It's probably a good thing I don't care.

How did we get here? I used to know you so well. How did we get here? Well, I think I know.

2008-10-15T11:03:00.000-07:00

Well, we "sold" the house. Finally. If all goes as planned and the sky doesn't fall like Chicken Little says it will, then we should be helping my mom move on November 13th. Everything should be done by the 26th or seriously, I'm going to be pissed at my father. We don't need to stay in Alamogordo just because my mom is there. We're taking her with us. I'm pretty sure he doesn't miss the quiet life. It's peaceful but eerie. You'd think that New Mexico would be a shitty place to live, but the scenery is good. At least near the city. It rains. It snows. I enjoyed the weather. So it wasn't much like living in a desert at all and compared to the city we live in now, there were a lot more things to do. However, we live in California and there a bazillion things to do, if you have money to spend and to use on your gas guzzler. We don't. With this house sold though, we'll finally have income. I mean, things we can buy. We haven't bought anything for ourselves in a long time. I mean, I took money I got from my grandmother that was supposed to go towards a car (which she sold my parents short when she said she'd give me double the amount and it's kinda funny because the other kids are receiving all kinds of money from her. Like three times as much.) and spent it on a webcam and the gas it cost to get us to the store since my dad didn't have any money. Now, originally I had $574 and that is seriously not enough to get a car that won't be shit on you so that you wind up spending way more than you paid for just to fill it up. But my parents if everything goes through should be getting me a car and that should open a few good things for me. The last thing me and my therapist were discussing I remember was that I was poor and that the absence of a car really hindered and made my life complicated. I couldn't afford to go to even community college. Much less buy a bag of chips at a store without using my savings. And I tried getting a job, which didn't work out. I actually had to end the therapy sessions and the more testing she wanted because we couldn't afford to have it done. Even if insurance covered the treatment, we couldn't even make the car trip. My dad needed the gas to get to work. Sad, huh? See the original plan was that I was supposed to get into college because school was all I had, really. I don't have any friends. I don't have work. I don't have things I go out and do, clubs or organizations I've joined, festivals to attend, blah blah. This place doesn't offer much. It's just - here's your own existence, do what you will with it.

Anyway, onto the wife. Things have been pretty shaky, but it's not really any cause for an alarm. Things have a way of going back to being okay. The biggest problem that presents itself and that is eating us both up is that we're not together. It's causing a lot of frustration and that's all I'm going to say. It's very depressing, but I'm not depressed right now. Just a little down but overall okay, just tired and feel like I'm coasting along. I've been thinking a lot. Meh.

I can't win a losing fight all the time.

2008-10-09T10:23:00.000-07:00

I’m alone right now, so I figure I’ll pass the time by updating my blog again. I don’t want to keep you non-existent viewers from reading it, now do I? My wife’s been sick and she’s dealing with her period this week, so I’m trying to show some patience. It’s been a difficult last few days. I told her about everything that was on my mind and it didn’t get better until a few days after. How much I told her didn't illustrate how bad I felt, maybe a fraction of how terrible I feel when I’m without her. It just hurts.

She says she feels the same and she can handle it better, but I’m feeling this loneliness so strongly I wonder if she does understand how incredibly bad it is for me when she’s out of sight. I’ve been really lonely and she really doesn’t know what to do about it. She can’t do anything about it, which sucks and I keep telling her that I’ll “deal”. I’m telling her that because I don’t want her to get depressed over it and I’m just trying to store the pain somewhere else. I don’t know where and I’m not pretending like it’s not there, but I’m just trying to be good for her as much as I can despite the pain of being without her. And hearing her reference that it’s going to be a long time before we can be together just makes me dwell on what’s to come. More loneliness that I have to put up with. I’m trying not to feel the pain. I’m trying the hardest in my life to stretch my good spirit instead of just depressing her more, making her sick to her stomach when I come up with these things that make her sad. I don’t want to make her sad. These last few days with her have been fucking terrible. She was really shitty but so was I. Well, feeling shitty. She doesn’t help at all when she’s being sarcastic and pretends when I try to help myself out and her. And then she goes cold like I know will happen and I never want that.

It hurts really badly and she’s hurting because I am, so I want to be better so she won’t feel like total crap as well. What solution is there to solve this loneliness? Is there any? I don’t know. There’s one, but it’s very far off, I suppose. But I haven’t thought of any and I’m sure she hasn’t conjured any as well to stave off this loneliness. So it appears right now that there’s nothing we can do about it and that I’m just going to have to put up with it. She says I shouldn’t have to. And I don’t say anything to that when she says that. It’s because she’s right, but I have to. It’s the only way to deal with it and it hurts so badly. I’ve cried a lot. I feel powerless and weak when I can’t be with her, but I just have to accept it and move on with my life that there’s nothing she can do about it. And just continue to die a little so I can live a little too when I get to be with her. It’s like a give and take.

When I’m just by myself I feel my life is being drained. That I’m not ever going to be happy again. And she sees the residue when we’re together again. Sometimes it takes hours. Sometimes it takes days to go away. But it’ll go away for some time. It’ll always be there like a wound that never heals until we can finally be together in person. I’m glad she hasn’t really asked about my sleep. It’s been terrible. The nightmares are intense. This morning I had one where I was in the sky and she told me she had things to do, and turned her back on me and kept walking. And I don’t know how we were standing in the sky, but there was like an invisible floor until she did that. And I felt so terrible, I fell. I kept falling. Going faster, faster, and faster until I accepted that things had to be like this. That I couldn’t change them for now. No matter how much I try to save myself, it has to be her that saves me. And like I said in my last entry…may not be today…may not be tomorrow…six months from now…but someday.

How can I decide what's right when you're clouding up my mind?

2008-10-06T11:57:00.000-07:00

Can't you see my heart is heavy?

2008-10-04T12:54:00.000-07:00

Alright, I think I must've backspaced the beginning of this blog a hundred times at least by now. I guess the time between blog entries represents the laziness carried in my fingertips by not having anything published here for several days. I just really don't know what to say anymore that has to be said or that I feel should be shared. Everything has been focused on keeping things within myself and telling Lauren what I'm thinking about too that I feel no one other than ourselves deserve to know. But I'll reveal a few things that definitely aren't attached to inherent obligations to maintain confidences with another.

Last night I had a few beers and headed back to my room to talk with Lauren. Incase you don't have a clue who that is, she's my wife pretty much. She was in bed and had to wake up around six, so I was going to stay up and wish her off. I didn't want to say goodbye. I didn't. I just told her I love her before she left. I tried to stay awake, honestly. It's usually not a hassle because I can't ever sleep good or much anyway. I hum her one of our songs when we go to bed so she can sleep. She says it helps, so I do it. Well, when I got up out of bed and looked for something, she woke up. I felt like an idiot for being so loud in the room because she was sleeping.

I was pretty frustrated last night, too. I was tired too and didn't want to deal with it, so I told Lauren I could handle it myself since she didn't need to be awake for me. She had six hours until she had to work and she gave up pretty easily. She was tired; I didn't mind. Lauren told me before falling asleep again to tell her the nice things. I tried. I'd go from mostly nice to terrible things. Not terrible about us particularly but about myself. She wasn't awake to witness my total breakdown. I dealt everything I had to say last night. She never heard a peep of it. And I felt so terrible, I passed out and woke up right when she had to go to work. And then she left for work, I stayed in bed, and we haven't talked since.

I've still been pretty crappy. I like hearing from her at work, but I guess she's really swamped with the customers since there's some festival going on and hasn't had a single moment of time to herself at all to message me. But yeah, I'm trying so hard to keep control and to keep being happy. I've been trying so hard to remain in control. And if I don't, I make her unhappy and that makes me feel ten times worse when she goes cold on me and doesn't try to help me anymore. I can't stand it when she does that, so I'm doing my best to avoid being unhappy. It's really hard because I don't know where it all stems from. I don't want to be sad all the time and I guess when I know I won't be able to speak to her for a while it' s insanely depressing being alone. I just want her to stay with me. Right now I have her, but I really don't. I wish she could read my mind. I wish she could lay here and stay with me for a while. Perhaps forever, if she wanted to hold onto me for that long. But being with her seems so far away and out of reach right now. I just want everything I hope for to come true and sadly it's not today or tomorrow...but someday. *sigh*

Oh. It's also my dog's birthday today. She's 7 now. I miss my dog. I miss Lauren. The only good thing about today is that there's a huge cloud over the sky, just like there is over me...I feel the lonelinest I've ever felt in my life. And I'll revisit the feeling sometime soon, I guess. *sigh*

Work in progress

2008-09-09T22:02:00.000-07:00

Dear Lauren,

You're most likely asleep. I[think you must be tired since you said you weren't going to answer my messages and your unconscious body is keeping itself unconscious, so yeah.] think you fell asleep pretty quickly since you said you were tired enough not to answer my messages. I'm not and I've tried, but you know how my body works when it comes to it. It says no. Yours always says yes. I'm sure being an insomniac has its advantages as we've[pointed out] discussed them, but I really[omit?] wish I wasn't so restless. When I didn't know you it wasn't about girls[I didn't have a specific reason] really. It was usually something about the world and what was wrong in it. Like[omit first] someone being wrong on the Internet.[combine sentence?] That kept me up at night. I couldn't sleep because I knew someone was being an idiot out there. Not really. Okay, that's half true.

It's refreshing to know that I've got someone on my mind as much as I'm on theirs. All I do all day is think about you and realize when I lay down for rest that I did nothing else. Sad somewhat, but I figure my time is well spent. I mean, how could thinking about you be so bad? Falling in love wasn't the hard part and remaining in love isn't either but being away from you is killer[is absolutely unbearable]. I mean, look. The distance between us puts ourselves in a disturbing box of emotions where we can't help but feel sad about what fills in the hundreds of miles between us. It's a bunch of roads, signs, trees, buildings, people, and then our houses.

Update, hoesss.

2008-09-05T02:19:00.000-07:00

Picture: Image Metrics. The Emily Project.

I can honestly say that I'm a dumb ass sometimes, but it isn't entirely my fault. I wonder what the probability of having a faulty soda can is? We have Pepsi in the fridge and I brought one out, popped the can, but the thing bent all the way forward only to do nothing. Here comes the idiot part: I stabbed the top of where the thing usually opens with a knife and the soda squirted into my eye like a geyser. I was not amused.

I'm not doing much of anything right now. I was sleeping because my girlfriend needs her sleep, so I went to bed with her. I'm awake now, watching Enemy At The Gates. I dearly love this movie. Jude Law at his best and I never really looked into any other side of the war's story apart from Nazi Germany, Britain, and the U.S.A. Everything seems so much more interesting when you hear about the Russians being the opposition your entire life and see that they were just like any other nation fighting "gloriously" for their country. I say it sucked ass to be in the infantry if you were at heart a coward. I'd say most people headed to their death knowingly in a charge. As for me, I probably would've stayed back a little since the ones up front always get gunned down first. Duh. I'd rather be an effective sharp shooter from a distance than a man with a rifle ten feet away from a tank, hundreds of rifles, and a turret. What point is there having a rifle then? Yeah, you can really put up much of a fight. It's not trench warfare like in World War I. Those types of charges are stupid as hell. It reminds me of Pickett's charge at Gettysburg. I guess they didn't really learn about other wars, though. Complete dumbassery. I don't think I'd ever make a good foot soldier. I'd either do good as a sniper or someone who works at headquarters. I'm not saying I don't have the capability to lead, but I'm not using predated tactics of guts and glory to attack. That's like running across no man's land and expecting to bring about a win when the enemy is entrenched in the treeline waiting for that kind of boneheaded decision to mobilize. I think I could be a solid tactician who offers a more concrete alternative strategy in place of the idiocy of a full-on charge. Sometimes the charges have worked. Today though? I don't think anyone would charge three men with a hammer who have their rifles pointed at you. I only saw that work in The Patriot. And that was a movie.

The Republican National Convention was on. I thought McCain's speech sucked. Palin's speech in comparison trounces the shit out of his, pushing him beneath her after the sharp witticisms and rhetoric Scully wrote for the Alaskan senator to use against Obama. What are my political views? I'm a Republican. I strongly disagree with our political system, though. However, McCain said a few things I agreed with. We should not be divided with separate interests but stand as one. I think we need to deal with compromise. You know what annoys me most? It's these kiss ass teenage Democrats who can't even vote yet! I realize how ashamed I was to have been one of them; to stand behind John Kerry at the time I was a freshman. I wanted change because I strongly opposed George Bush. Did I flock over to the other party because of George Bush's win? No, I wasn't aware of what each party stood for, but I simply agreed with John Kerry because he seemed like a fresh ticket outside of the war in Iraq and letting the country resume pre-Iraq invasion events. So I sang along with Green Day and clung to my convictions that Republicans were bad until I really saw what each party was after careful analysis. Democrats disgust me with their supporters. They're bunch of Grade-A pussies, with an oversensitivity to environment issues, health care (I can't begin to tell you how much fraud for singular benefit is committed in this that just wastes time, money, and resources to hinder the real people with qualifications to receive it and though you believe this should be free, how many people should receive it? You expect to make a large assumption that it's going to come at a lesser cost or virtually free when the country is supporting over 300 million?), sexual preference, feminism, and race. What the fuck is there to benefit from being a feminist when you've got pretty much equal rights now? Oh-my-God. Lawlzorz. I dun't want ze baby, lololol. I want to kill it, lololol. Why? lololol. Cuz it's my right to not have it when I get knocked up at some drunken orgy party or bcuz I simply am retarded since I lack the intelligence to use birth control, lololol. Honestly, if you idiot females can't use contraceptives or other forms of sexual non-pregnant assurances, you're fucking stupid. WHY THE FUCK EVEN BOTHER WITH AN ABORTION? THE ONLY CASE WHERE IT ISN'T YOUR OWN DAMN FAULT IS IN THE CASE OF RAPE. But good job, keep up your picket signs and thesaurus-raped bitchy essays, thick-framed glasses, and a bunch of warped ass views where you think you, the person who got fucked and didn't use birth control, believe that you are entitled to the expulsion via a birth canal of your unborn baby.

Their ideology does not repulse me, but I wonder if their supporters ever studied history enough to realize that a majority of democrats owned cotton plantations yet right now are they making amends for that by having elected a half-black candidate to cover up for the hundreds of years of enslavement? Hm. Not bashing the South or anything, I love the South, but I'm wondering if they've been aware of both parties faults instead of blaming George for every little problem that falls into their lap. I wonder if they've turned a deaf ear to reasoning on the other side and to narrow-minded, spell swept speech from Obama about change. Isn't every damn election about showing what you can change? Honestly, it's nothing new to do a little dance over for feeling ever-so-smart. Both parties have done terrible things. And you know what? I hate American politics. They make empty promises to get elected and then when the American public sees that nothing is getting accomplished, they complain, swing voters support the side they were against, and try their luck again. Also, how come people can't have any decency? Protesting does NOTHING. If you like methods that worked for an old generation of heroin and hatred for war, be my guest and go on an acid trip you fucking halfwits. Make an appeal to get a hearing, not sit on stone steps like you're going to directly benefit from it by making attempts to have them pay attention. Where do they pay attention? IN THE COURT. Not outside, Lisa Simpson.

I support evolution. Why? Look what evolution brought us today:

LAWL!

Lori Earley paints beautifully.

2008-09-02T23:47:00.001-07:00

Today...or yesterday

2008-08-31T00:43:00.000-07:00

I haven't been able to keep up with blogging really. Reasons? Too bothersome to update, I guess. Ever since I got what I wanted I feel like the need to complain about life ceased for a while. Why don't I talk about why life is great, then?

That's a great idea, but I don't give a shit. I don't need to spread joy and happiness. I think I'm going to be a little selfish and keep some for myself, instead of giving it away.

I haven't been doing much other than obsessing over my appearance. It's really not all that great. You get in close, you'll see. I hate myself and I hate that I have to examine every disgusting feature on my body. There's so much I'd like to change and perfect. It's always possible. I'm far from perfect and anyone can tell you that when they take a good look at me. I remember how stressed I was over my appearance when I was 14. I had to convince myself to stop caring because all of the cosmetic products I bought were starting to have side effects on my skin. Also the extreme weight loss caused a few too, which doesn't do too well for anyone's image in the end. Do I regret most of which I've done to my body to horrify myself when I look at the face sneering back at me? Yes, mostly. The weight loss was good at the time. I've gained half of it back or so to stay within a normal range. The stuff I used for my face I regret all of it. It's a tad funny. I bought at least 200 of the same and different products, read about a billion homemade remedies (tried a lot too), and took pills even. In the end it only made me look worse and for the next few years I've been trying to avoid thinking about myself by closely examining my skin. It's an obsession and it's a disgusting one. I'll have to go through tons of treatments/surgery before I'd ever be content with walking out the door or even looking at another person. It puts so much stress on me because I think people are constantly judging - they are. That's why it's a concern of mine. Recently I've matriculated a lot of stress. I feel like a mutant.

Aside from superficial stuff, I'm doing great. Well, I'm still somewhat sick because we're not that well off to maintain a good diet. I mean, we eat everyday, but I wouldn't say we're allowed to gorge ourselves or indulge in a certain appetite. Not much of a selection at home. I hate the fact that my family is poor and that I haven't done anything to contribute to gaining some money for myself. Sure. I could get a job. My dad just can't afford to drive me to interviews. Money puts a lot of stress on me because of that damn house we weren't able to sell. It's ruined us a great deal. I don't see my family being "poor" as a tragedy, maybe just a small motivation in the back of my head to succeed ever more once I get in college. I kind of hate how Andrew has to constantly bring up that I'm poor. It's not like I can control that. He always wants me to get what he has, but I can't afford even the most minimal request. The money issue bothers me a lot. My dad couldn't even buy me some cookies a few days ago when I asked him if he could. I actually quit therapy because I knew I wasn't helping my making him spend like fifty bucks for every session. I liked it because it gave me someone to talk to, but it's just one of the many sacrifices I had to make. Like not going to college this year. It's not because I wanted to take a year off at all, truthfully. It's just that my parents had assumed for all my education that I was still little better than someone destined for a military life. They wanted me to go in and they did not save a dime for me. It's amazing how they never anticipated that they had smart kids. My dad was reluctant to even enroll my sister in an AP online class because of our money issue. I don't think she's able to take it because of it. Also, even with financial AID, my parents can't contribute a penny. It's very tight here in the Martinson household. It pisses me off to no end. If we had only sold that house, mom would be here. If we had only sold that house, we wouldn't be living in this townhouse and actually living in a house we bought. I would've been in college right now. I have more to say about the whole school system and the polluted minds of softy high school counselors, but I'll save that for another time when I want to talk about how I get fucked over all the time by people. I have serious trust issues.

It took me a while before I could trust my girlfriend. I trust her completely now, of course. It took a while for me to actually make that leap of faith to believe in her. It's just that with the consistency of people fucking up and making my life more acute with pain, it's really to be expected that I won't trust easily. I do not like disappointment. I'm not disappointed in her at all. She's done rather well this weekend and I worried my ass off today. I keep thinking that something's going to happen. Not like a premonition or anything. It's just that bad scenarios keep injecting into my mind and it makes me tremble with hatred for them. I mean, it's like I'm against myself. I can't stop being so fucking insecure when it comes to her. I think it comes with being in love. It's the territorial issues. I want to protect her, yet I have no way in providing safety for her thousands of miles away. That won't be an issue anymore someday. She'll adjust to my disgusting appearance and awkward social nature.

I'm still doing great. I have no friends in this city. I practically stay in this house 24/7 and have an aversion to sunlight because I don't see a point in going outside. Who am I going to meet? What am I going to do outside? Sit around? Walk in the sunshine and get skin cancer? My skin is very sensitive. Being outside makes me look pink, I bet. When I get hot inside that's what happens too anyway, I'm sure. I'm starting to think I'm more like a vampire than ever. I mean, I do have those kinda teeth. I also HATE garlic. I don't know when the last time was when I've ever had garlic bread! Or breadsticks. I guess I could be handsome if you photoshop my face or something. I don't know, it's always a possibility that I might look better if you mold my face into something it's not. I don't think you'd get a great result no matter how many attempts you try. I can be strong when I need to be. It's amazing to me at the strength I can summon sometimes. I can be pretty sneaky. I'm also always hungry. Bleh.

Night is falling.

2008-08-16T01:20:00.001-07:00

So I’m sitting here taking turns typing and holding an icepack to my face. Ever have one of those things you thought would always be something that never changes? That was the door to my garage, but it did change. It’s usually never locked. All the time I’m racing down the stairs to get some pop from the fridge in the garage and I don’t have a hassle opening the door. It’s never been locked…until today. My face hurts.

I also hate how the cold spaghetti I was going to microwave ended up on my feet. I don’t believe in luck, but I believe in unfortunate outcomes.

Sometimes rain that's needed falls.

2008-08-06T01:09:00.000-07:00

Forgive me, madame, for taking up so much of your time.

2008-08-05T04:07:00.000-07:00

LHC. If the LHC were a sports team, I would have had a foam hand and rooted for it. I used to follow the developments at CERN with their LHC project quite closely, but I’ve fallen for the most part out of any scientific inquiry since matters of love knot you into situations where you’re not allowed to think of much else. Mostly anything intellectually stimulating would have to be mathematical. It’s better to be interested and appreciate it than pretend to be ignorant of its applications and achievement of creation in society. Math is the language of the universe.

Anyway, back to the LHC. The LHC stands for Large Hadron Collider. What is a hadron? I’d tell you to look on Wikipedia or Google it, but I’m going to suppress my urge to mock your laziness (it’s more likely to be idiocy) and explain it to you.

Particle Physics is basically the study of very small things, things you can’t see. I’m pretty sure you’re familiar with the insignificant size of a particle. It’s on an elementary level of study of matter and radiation, which is in the very early stages in other words, and what happens with them when scientists try to play around with them or observe them.

A hadron is a quark-whore and is split into two factions (which can be split again to be more specific): baryons and mesons. Mesons are also bosons. The hadron is just a combination of any Superman strength subatomic particle. When scientists want a go with their curiosity about particle physics, they use an atom-smasher or particle accelerator. Particle accelerators can either be high or low-energy. The LHC is the machine we’re using.

“The Large Hadron Collider (LHC) is a particle accelerator complex intended to collide opposing beams of 7 TeV protons. Its main purpose is to explore the validity and limitations of the Standard Model, the current theoretical picture for particle physics. This model is known to break down at a certain high energy level.”

TeV stands for Teraelectron Volt, one trillion electron volts. They have the Tevatron in Illinois where they accelerated protons to nearly one teraelectron volt. Our machine here is using 7. It’s been in the process of becoming operable since 1995 and of course, it’s going to be the pioneering high energy particle accelerator once it’s up and running this year.

It’s supposed to answer some big questions and give some big answers. A scientist who works there gave some pretty interesting probabilities of what they expected to find. I won’t quote them all, but I’ll tell you what those rambling ignorant idiots need to know:

Black Holes: 0.1%.
Stable Black Holes That Eat Up the Earth, Destroying All Living Organisms in the Process: 10^-25%.
God: 10^-20%
Absolutely Nothing: 3%.

What they expect to find is the Higgs Boson, a particle that’s been able to slip by the Standard Model. If they find the Higgs Boson, it’ll help explain microscopic structure (larger too), and it’ll be known as a major part of our world. I’ve been looking forward to hearing their findings for a long time. I haven’t been fascinated by particle physics, but QCD (Quantum Chromodynamics) and QED (Quantum Electrodynamics) are way up in my books. Especially because QED is Richard Feynman related.

Nicomachean Ethics. Great man, great ideas, and shitty exposition. I’ve been having trouble reading The Basic Works of Aristotle. All of it is obvious to me, but I’m hoping it served as a guide once to subaverage cognitive functioning Greeks. Translation: It was basically a “Dummies” book for people who don’t know shit about how to behave or do any deep thinking. Despite its impudence, I can stand reading it for five minutes or so. Nothing too incredible anymore that you haven’t read or heard of before since we’re so modern these days. Fuck philosophy.

Smart on love. I think there’s nothing better out there to be in and nothing worse to be confused about. I think there should be clear distinctions on what people mean to you and not be shrouded by the ambiguity of them. That’s how it’s been for me for some time and I don’t recommend falling into this kind of jam. It’s totally not cool. But what do I know about love? I know nothing much and even a great sum less than others, but I’ve got quite a talent I suppose in charming women. It’s not a matter of piety when it comes to treating women or practice in persuasion, but capitalizing on your best characteristics in order to accumulate affection gradually so a logical conclusion comes to them that they must love you. As a male, you might not have the smallest hope if you’re not intelligent enough (saying in laymen’s terms now) to be what you are and presuppose an attraction will be manifested once they accept you for what you are. Confidence is always key for temptation. If you proceed like you cannot fail, you probably won’t fail. You just need to be smart about it and unfortunately that usually can’t be something that’s learned through reading or rehearsed. Ditch the self-help tapes and videos that aim to boost your self-esteem (god damn scandalous falsehoods). Growing fond of each other will help you exceedingly though in the pursuit of someone’s heart. It’ll come easier when you’re interested since you’ll be trying to not make all the dreadful mistakes you can entertain and know about the person enough to pull on their heartstrings at the right times since it’ll become an intuitive process, only making things seem more natural i.e. falling in love. I do not twirl my mustache and hatch schemes for future reference. I give information for men to be aware of such devices and make use of them if they need a partner.

Yeah.

2008-08-04T15:39:00.000-07:00

Philosophizing love as a sixteen year old

2008-08-04T02:11:00.000-07:00

So a couple years back I wrote about love. I don't really have much to spill tonight since I'm a bit preoccupied with thoughts I don't care enough about to explain. I'll just leave you with this: "Don't cut flowers. Flowers are the sex organs of plants. Who wants to castrated sex organs?"

"Love can be shown in many different forms. Staring at someone to see if they make the slightest indication that acknowledges your presence. Laying in bed with your dog sleeping on your chest, holding the hand of one of your siblings as you cross the street or maybe just the simple idea of it being expressed willingly about how enthusiastic you are about something. I can tell when people are in love. When they absolutely develop a dependency for each other and without one another seems like torture. When only one is in love things are a bit more complicated. I shall use myself as a reference. The most I've ever felt in love was in a day when I thought I knew no sorrows. Every time she moved it was like watching a masterpiece of art being made in the time-span of 5 seconds. Every time she talked I listened even if I was not included in the engaging conversation. However, she knew how to bring my attention to only her out of all the people chit-chatting and messing about surrounding us. I would love to dream because every time she would be in them and it drove me crazy just trying to contemplate what they could mean. I would always wonder how she felt when I wasn't around her. I wanted to hold her, for her to be mine and mine only. As I mentioned before, I was the only one in love. As soon as I expressed my feelings for her she thought of it as a bad thing since she knew in her heart the same feelings were not reserved for me. They were for another. So jealousy consumed me, but I accepted this fact that she simply could never feel the way I felt about her. It was a bitter time after my heart broke like glass does when it hits the ground. I still have not forgotten about how much I loved her. I would've gave her the world if I could. Seem as though if I offered it back then she never would've taken me up on it anyway. Maybe it was not love at all. Maybe I have never truly felt it since the only thing that makes sense is that I lusted her. My endeavors to show her my affection probably furthered her detest for me since I seemed to have a great persistence for trying to win her heart. I was blindly in love possibly.That's where most of us make our mistakes though. It is only one of us who loves and the other one does not love back. I learned that I can't make someone forcibly love me just because I love them.They must be interested beforehand instead of myself sporadically putting on a display of my adoration towards her. The one thing that did benefit me is coming out a little more sensible about how to handle things and I might not have ever of gotten that if it wasn't for this." - August 27, 2006

"Generally people should have a optimistic view of things. The only negativity that comes out of everyone's life is a loss and grieving over it. Life is tough, but you are suppose to fall, crawl and get back up again. If you stay down you aren't appreciating the gift you were given. Life is suppose to have its fair share of bumps and twists, but it's also suppose to have its delights. Love is one of them. To love another is to care for someone so much that it would cause you pain to see them in pain. It would make your heart race every time a moment of tenderness rose out of your heart and you took that one step closer to grace the lips of the person waiting to kiss you back. I'm not too great at romanticizing, but that's basically a couple examples of love. I think people should appreciate life and learn to accept that the world isn't such a bad place from where you are now. When I think about a woman, I think about her down to the last detail. Her eyes. Her lips.Her hair. A woman is like a gift. You can wrap her up in nice clothes, doll her up with make up, but what's inside really is mind blowing, not the exterior. It's their power of love. It takes control of the mind, the body, and the soul of a man. It engulfs us in a feeling that keeps our chin's up and someone always on our mind. It drives us to the extraordinary things. Good or bad. Love at first sight is made up. If you believed in that you would never stop looking. If you think you are in love because you think someone is good looking, you have a few issues to deal with before you actually know what love is. Love is about feeling a connection that is so strong and unique that to not deal with it accordingly would just make you feel like you are denying yourself one of the grandest things in life that actually changes how you feel, think, and see things. A delusional exaggeration of this feeling to teenagers these days is liking someone. Liking is not the same as loving. People tend to forget that. There is a big difference. Love doesn't bring disappointment like liking does, it brings resentment because you wonder what you did wrong if it didn't work out for one of the partners. It's complex and we'll never fully understand why love doesn't work between some people but when it does it blossoms into something beautiful. That's why when you are in love you cherish your moments on earth because you know that no matter what this person is always going to remain around you either in your heart or actually there wherever you go." - August 26, 2006

How are you?

2008-08-03T13:46:00.000-07:00

Breaking Nessa

2008-08-03T01:24:00.000-07:00

So, August 2nd all fangirls with their support system of more fangirls, made the trek to their stores where Breaking Dawn was distributed at midnight. It's a girls book, eh? And the rest of the guys I know are gay that bought it. Oh God. Anyways, I'm on Team Edward. Basically because Jacob is a little bitch who gets angry and turns into a furry animal to scamper away to Canada. I also noticed the prettier girls were for Team Edward anyway. Don't go with the ugly crowd. They'll bring you and your self-esteem down. Why? Because you'd be a part of the ugly crowd, duh. So I got my hands on Breaking Dawn and I've only read a couple chapters in; enough to spoil it for some. I have a friend who is ten years old. She's a doll. She's fun. However, she is a complete fanatic of the Twilight series and to just rub it in that I have it and she doesn't, I totally spoiled some stuff for her. Am I an asshole? I'm sure that's what she'd say in a few years from now when cuss words become an addition to her vocabulary. It's so funny though. She gets worked up and she blocks me on MSN and says, "I hate chu". I wish I could cry but...*touches skin* cold as a vampire.

I also saw Step Brothers. Now, I wouldn't look too philsophically into this film because it's a comedy, but I thought they were pretty accurate when it comes to adjustment with new family members. And they also presented the breaks and bends of what could potentially harm a marriage - the kids. They also showed some "male bonding" and I thought it was comical but also true. I've done a lot of retarded things with Andrew and people I thought could be my friend(s). I recall taking shots of mountain dew mixed in with pringles crumbs. I also remember throwing toy hippos at the wall and sitting on the bus punching each other as hard as we could on the way home over stupid things. We also tried to assassinate my sister's goldfish. What? It was a communist. No McCarthyism there. Just straight up profiling and putting a bullet - well, I guess not a bullet- uhm, a bunch of toxic chemicals, soda, and a lot of other crap in the bowl. It didn't die. Not until it was placed in the bathroom and my father used the bathroom one day. Oh well, huh? The toilet bowl was just another place to go! They all go back to the sea eventually. You think I'm bad? Think of the guy behind the counter chopping up bluefin/yellow tuna for sushi. I walk past the guy at grocery store and feel the "Chuck Norris" urge to roundhouse kick his ass. They kill those fuckers fresh. Poor bastards. He does, anyway.

I hate sluts. People who get tramp stamps are fucking sick.

"Well well well, looks like this lonely housewife went out to get herself a little pick me up. And in her case, that is a tramp stamp - a tattoo in the small of her back. Why do they call it a tramp stamp? Because when you see a girl sporting one, you can be pretty sure that she's a nympho that needs special attention - especially doggie style!"

Obviously these people know what they're talking about. They run a porno website. And I see lots of girls mentioning this on HEX. I'm glad they keep their sex life to themselves instead of voicing out their rainbow clit-licking or cock-riding fantasies. It doesn't even make you look sexy. It just makes me raise an eyebrow and scoff. Absolutely disgusting.

Hm. I'm trying to decide how to approach this problem or past problem or whatever it is. It's got nothing mathematical and virtually no logic can really be applied here. Really, it's too complicated, too complex and as humans we'll never fully understand it. Not even if we found the Fountain of Youth. Basically, here's the whole caboodle concerning love which I'm sorting out in confusion.

Long story short, I fell in love with two people. They are best friends and I am sure I've stretched their friendship a lot. I mean, I blame myself for everything that has happened because I know I was truly the problem to begin with. If you took me out, there wouldn't have been frustration and a lot of salty tasting water coming from our eyes. That was my reasoning at first - get me out. I wanted to disappear, fake my death even. I knew the consequences of vanishing. I didn't want them to unfold and I would be concerned for their well-being even after. All I would do is try to forget. All this time I was trying to decide who I loved more because they both brought me happiness and it seemed like their happiness levels had a dual-plateau, an equal measure.

Lauren let me go. I don't know why I didn't react like I should have. I suppose it's because in my head I thought that I already formed the idea of who it would be anyway. I felt like I loved Jess more because deep down, it's what I wanted to believe and I think I love her as I've said. I just don't know how to explain why exactly, a reason Lauren seeks so much. And that brings me to a dilemma. If I can't explain why, does that mean I love her more? Or does that mean I lack the reason behind it because love can't be logical so it doesn't matter anyway? Or how about does that mean I've put myself into a state of confusion and I actually still love them equally? I can't give Lauren an answer. And I know in a recent occurence with Jess where we made up after she had let me go (I cried so much), I caused her a great deal of pain (Lauren). But she wants an answer. I haven't been able to give it to her. That wouldn't prevent her from expressing her affection or anything, she knows I love her. And I don't know when, I'm not even sure her love will deviate and latch on to someone else. And I know what I've said in the past will keep her alright. But she knows also that if I go with Jess (we haven't officially gotten back together), we can't be together or any of that for most likely a lifetime. I mean, I'll always be there for her. We'll make time for just the two of us and we'll know our parameters. And she'll continue hurting, although being there for her makes this suffering infinitesmally bearable. I mean, I know I wouldn't be there for Jess because the suffering for me is alone enough to kill me just being in her presence. I felt my life draining away from me when we spoke one morning and talked about our doomed fates as separate souls with no children to be raised when we had so planned them. I lost her, I lost something very important to me. I wanted it back, but I didn't. We were suppose to let each other go...but we couldn't. Do I regret having her come back to me? No, I don't. I just don't know how to deal with Lauren. I mean, I want her to have me, but I want Jess to have me too. If I had a clone this would be so much easier. I won't give into temptation since I've tried defining the boundaries between me and Lauren. I know she'll put on this faux-appearance that everything's just find and dandy if I'm with Jess. I know she'll pretend to be happy. I know she'd truly be hurting every single second, every second passing complicating the condition of her figurative and physical heart. But I can't help how the future goes. If it's Jess filled, she'll have to accept that and we'll be the closest we can. We'll always have time to be together, but it wouldn't be "the same". She would absolutely hate that. The difference can be illuminated, for example, by watching a movie when you're in a relationship and when you're just friends who happen to love each other. I mean, is this love everlasting that I have for the both of them? I think it is. I don't think I'd be able to stifle it. I love them both, I do. I don't want to hurt either of them. Nothing else has ever made my head spin or question my intelligence unless it came to brainteasers or something. They're both tricky and hard to think through. Jess makes me tremendously happy and Lauren does too. They say they're the same, but I don't know. It's different when I talk to them individually. It's like falling in love because of their similarities and how they treat the ongoing conversations we have in words I am not able to fully explain. They bring a lot of similarities and a lot of differences (because of who they are) to "it" and they're both great. So what have I accomplished by saying all this? I don't know. All I know is, I hope Jess is having a great time in Scotland and that I'm staying true to my promise. And that I hope Lauren enjoys her time viewing the exotic cats.

One Day

2008-08-01T11:21:00.000-07:00

If I could change the currents of our lives
To make the river flow where its run dry
To be a protocol of father time
Then I would see you tonight

If I could find the years that went away
Destroying all the cruelty of fate
I must believe that love will find away tonight

Lonely. Find me, one day you will come
Always for love sake
One day to be loved

If I see beyond the here and now
If you could here me calling you somehow
If I could know that love is reaching out
To find you with me tonight
But who can make these promises come true?
Beyond what I can say what love can do?
With every moment leading me to you, tonight

Lonely. Find me one day you will come
Always for love sake,
One day to be loved

I will stay forever here until that one day comes
Praying time will bring you near, always for your love

If I could change the currents of our lives
To make the river flow where its run dry
To be a protocol of father time then I
Would see you tonight

Lonely. Find me
One day you will come
Always for love sake, one day to be loved
Lonely find me one day you will come
Always for love sake, one day to be loved
One day to be loved
One day to be loved
I will stay forever here, always for your love

I could've had soda. I could've had brownies. I could've worn underwear.

2008-08-01T00:01:00.000-07:00

Eh, today nothing much really happened worth mentioning. I basically ate half a bucket of ice cream, pulled the covers over my head, listened to depressing music all day, and seriously thought about killing myself. Normal day.

I must've hit every key on the keyboard thirty times and shut off the computer because I went crazy and didn't know what to say. I'm not in my right mind today. Hopefully it's just today, yeah?

I think I'm just going to sleep around 95.8% of tomorrow.

Click image to view full size. ;)

Early Hours

2008-07-30T05:07:00.000-07:00

It’s four in the morning. I tried to fall asleep earlier, but I just ended up coming downstairs to lie down on the couch. I thought I got better and now I’ll remember not to trust my judgment when it comes to deciding whether I feel okay or not. My nose has been annoying because I keep reaching for the tissue box every five seconds. Yesterday definitely wasn’t a good day. I won’t talk about it. I don’t even know why I bothered mentioning it. You see, when I have a problem and it presents itself, I’ll get a little frustrated if it’s causing me pain. After that, I go numb. I don’t think about it. I put it so far out of my mind that even when I do think about it, I don’t feel anything. I’m stuck feeling indifferent for a while, the emotions creep up on me, and then I get this sinking feeling like my whole world sucks. Right now, I don’t know how I feel. That’s how general I’m going to be before I touch noses with this subject. It won’t be today, it won’t be tomorrow but someday.

I’m tired. I’ve been getting enormous amounts of sleep that my body isn’t used to, but I fear it needed it as all people who are ill think they need rest. Resting helps and keeping a good attitude about it works enchantingly well. I’ll resume my nocturnal-insomniac state and just do what I always do with the cold pain after I’m better. I don’t think it’ll involve a doctor visit, but lying around the house and reading the things I enjoy will take my mind off the depressing things. I hope they will, anyway.

Sometimes I feel stuck. It’s like I’m in an immobile state, painted as something still and unable to change. It’s probably the monotony of life getting to me as it always does during these blistering summers, but I have reason to suspect that maybe it’s not what I originally thought. Where are my wings? They say people aren’t born heroes, they’re made. I guess I could make some wings and jump off the roof of the house. Any person with any sense would tell you that you’d break a bone. I’d probably be dumb enough to believe that dreams, or in this case, flight is achieved through a few trying ideas. Will I ever do anything great for humanity? Chances are: probably not. I don’t expect fame or recognition for any work I might do in the future. I only expect to derive gratification of having done it for the fun of it. If my “fun” leads me to anything interesting, maybe I’ll have my plate dinner and an expensive brand of wine in hand. I don’t think there’s any sense to being heralded as one of the greatest beings ever on the planet. I mean, why form an ass kissing committee to commemorate your efforts when you’ll have all these besmirching, envious fuckers for the rest of your life sending you envelopes after having studied your genealogy extensively to indeed confirm they are your long lost cousin? Just get on with your life people. Opportunity only comes so often and I suggest that if you had ever wanted to do anything with your life, you might as well take the risk and think about the consequences later when it comes to something grandiose.

My dad's alarm begins at 4:30 AM. I just felt a fucking spider run across my leg, but I won't freak out about that. I really don't care right now. Anyway, it's been three times. In about three minutes, it'll ring again. I wouldn't want to wake up in a gradual process. I'd get so mad that I'd be up by the second time. Somehow he doesn't mind and I haven't seen a light turn on yet when I look at the bottom of my bedroom door. I think this continues to 5:00 AM. Maybe this way he's not as grouchy, but then again, we don't normally see him in the mornings because the rest of the family is either A) fast asleep or B)I'm awake and I don't come out of my room. My dad's in a happier position right now with his job, but I feel regret somewhat in our coming here. I wanted to finish high school at my old city. I was already a three year veteran. No need to spend a year afar just to complete high school. I had the same damn reputation as I had when I was at the old one. Basically, I'm one of those quiet guys who really don't give a shit what other people think, do, or say unless I'm interested. Is it right to say "outcast" can be applied here, or no? I really don't know about labeling or conformism to the shitty high school subculture. I wasn't a nerd, that's for sure. I didn't spend my days digging up old relics of code and creating my own program beauties, I didn't join the math club or any tawdry competition group for academia. I didn't wear black and tell my bitch lover in a turtle neck poetry that made no sense on open-mic night. I didn't bang my head to Marylin Manson and get a tattoo of the pentagram since I was so hardcore like that. The only "geeky" behavior I engaged in was video gaming, but I think that's far from "geeky" now since a relatively large amount of males participate in this integral function of our everyday lives now it seems. I don't know what I was. Can I live with that? Yeah, I think I could. It's better to not know what you were than think you belonged to a certain sect. Separation is all part of the social high school agenda. Leave out guys like me, keep everybody in a group so everybody knows their place. It's retarded.

Since when did internet quizzes or tests validate your personality or intelligence type? I think it's all rather ridiculous. I mean, all you have to do is register a certain answer or number of answers to have a specific variant. You could've been -1 or +1 from having another personality type or a bump/dump of plus or minus 10-30 IQ points. Why even bother with such unreliable data? What kind of determinism is that? Brainwashing technique is my guess. Just like those horoscopes that send me on a laugh-riot when people actually believe in them. Are you serious? They're generalized as much as possible to include you into this sense of awe that you should feel in such a particular way!

That's all I care to relate right now.

I gotta keep the male readers on a leash. Explains the photographs.

Host of Dreams

2008-07-25T02:31:00.000-07:00

So life's been pretty gay. I'm not saying that I don't normally find it interesting and confusing as hell, but lately it's been intolerably boring. I appreciate the amazing people I've met and befriended through HEX and MSN. I don't find it amusing though that they are my only diversions apart from reading, blogging, watching television, and playing Halo 3. It doesn't matter much to me that I feel suspended from a real life. Isn't this how typical summers go? You get so bored that your brain likes to doze off and you find yourself wondering what you were doing before it happened?

Well, during one of those times, I actually fell asleep and had a dream.

I HATE NIGHTS LIKE THESE. I felt like I took every drowsy medication out there in the world and it still left me wide awake.

“You know, it kinda sucks when you can’t sleep. You think too much until you can’t think anymore and pass out,” said Bella.

Bella is my delusion. Well, the character Kristen Stewart played in the movie Twilight. I just found out I had this delusion last year. She showed up in my bed one morning, head on my chest, arm across my middle, and our legs intertwined. Gladly she couldn’t have picked a better time since my family wasn’t home and allowed me to scream.

“You alright, Casey?”

In the dark you really couldn’t see my expression, but I was befuddled.

“What do you mean, alright? I’m talking to myself in the dark,” I snapped.

“Well, technically, yes. You’re having a pleasant conversation with someone who isn’t really here. But hey, be Mr. Brightside. At least I’m cute.”

I looked at her momentarily and shook my head. She reached her arm over me and snuggled into my nook.

“I have a question.”

“Yeah? You already know the answer if I can answer it.”

“True, but we’re different parts of the same person. We respond differently.”

She sniffled. “Okay.”

“Do you think anybody will ever like me?”

She cogitated in silence, a usual Bella thing to do. “There’s a good chance until they don’t accept you for some of the things you do.

“Such as?”

“Well, for one, you’re way too concerned with pleasing everyone and not yourself. You need to be selfish. You got the asshole part down, I know, you wouldn’t even introduce me to your friends.”

“They’d think I’m crazy.”

“You are crazy,” she answered with a snarky chide. “I know you’re honest, usually. You would do anything to avoid pain, but um, it’s probably better to be ruthless and burn bridges.”

“You know I don’t know that many people, Bella.”

“Well, open up for a change and show how much of a screwed up child you are.”

“That’ll happen the day you fuck me.”

“I could, you know. It in reality would just be you touching yourself.” She removed her arm from my chest and squeezed at her boob. “These feel amazing.” Bella could tell I wasn’t responding well to that and gave me a look. “Lighten up. You’ll get a girl. Just keep running after them and eventually one won’t press charges but invite you in for tea or milk. Nah, scratch that. Not milk.”

I sorta hate how she never leaves, but I’m glad she sticks around. She’s really the only person who understands every side of me because she is me.

The next morning we got out of bed and as normal, she followed me everywhere. Everywhere except for in the shower. She’d sit on the toilet seat and talk to me until I was done even though we had complications hearing each other over the beating droplets shooting down onto the tub floor from the showerhead. When I reached out after I was done for a towel and slid it through the crack provided for me by opening the shower door a little, I dried myself and concealed my lower body before stepping out.

She never changed. She was the same pale, brown –haired, coat wearing girl. Sometimes it agitated me that she wasn’t sure she could change anything about herself even though she subsisted entirely from my imagination.

“It’s California. Why are you wearing a coat?”

“I get goosebumps when I see you naked.”

“Hm. Good reason, I guess.”

“Even as a delusion I get aroused, don’t worry. Your sex drive is definitely intact.”

We walked together to the bus and as school idly went by after our arrival for four hours, we settled at our usual table for lunch. People rarely ever went near me. I knew a few people, but they made sure to use their off-campus lunch to avoid sitting with me as much as possible. If people ever spoke to me at all, it’d be something concerning who I was talking to because to them it looks like I’m talking to no one. I knew most avoided me because they were simply afraid of me.

Bella caught me mid-bite into my red apple, staring at my crush.

“Fine choice, but maybe you should stick to delusional sex. I’m hotter.” I started giggling and received some weird looks.

“Do you think she’d ever like me?”

“Well, I’d say you have to be a nearly perfect guy to be with her. You’re already ahead of most. I just think you’ll end up hurting her.”

“Why?’

“You’re too easy to fall in love with.” She blushed. Finally another color on her face. “It’s not good to hurt people, Case.” She gave a reluctant sigh. “I wish I could materialize.”

“Well, you do have someone who looks exactly like you. She’d never know me though.”

“Just stay away from her. It’s like a gift and a curse. It’ll be over before you can say, ‘Casey, the mop!’”

“What?” I said, confused.

Bella looked at me weirdly, opening her mouth to speak again. “I said, ‘Casey! The mop!’”

I woke up. It was a dream.

August, September, October, November, December, January, February, March, April, May

2008-07-21T00:16:00.000-07:00

The summer’s coming to an end and I’ve just been listening to music for the last few hours since I have as many problems trying to sleep as I did when I was still in school. Insomnia is lovely to have when you’re doing important term papers but not when you’re bored. It’s interesting how you realize how much time has passed growing up, but when you’re just sitting there, drinking a coke and typing your blog at your computer, time seems endless. I’ve given a bit of thought to immortality, but we’ll talk about that perhaps another time.

I’ve been here over a year now and it’s been frustrating adjusting to the weather. All summer I’ve been stripped down to boxers, wiping the sweat off of my forehead with the back of my hand in my room. It’s been a problem since I’ve got here and air conditioning hasn’t exactly been my savior since the cool air seems to only be present in every room but mine. Almost every other summer before this one, I’ve had nothing to do pretty much. We stopped taking vacations when we found out we had no friends to visit anymore in other countries. That was the only motivation in a country not home to us.

It’s hard to get employed when you can barely make it through an interview. I’ve got experience running a business, but it was a simulated business in high school under the Kern County Regional Occupation Program. I was pretty good at that and we had interviews in that class, but I don’t know why I get turned down or never called back after interviews I'd taken at real jobs. I’ve maintained a good GPA all the time and I can be a hard worker when I want to be. I guess you can’t tell that from just one interview, but they never really got the chance to know me either since they didn’t call me back. I’ll have to get a job once school starts up; I don’t think I can take feeling like I’ve been imprisoned in a home.

I don’t have enough money to get my own place yet, but it’ll come when the job comes. For now, I’m stuck at the house. Hopefully just for another month. I’ve been trying to keep my brain active, but it’s been hard to keep a focus when all you think about is trying to tone down your stress level by casual conversation and deep contemplation. I’ve had my life under a magnifying class for a few days and I feel like I should write out my senior year. Maybe one day I’ll forget it something and look to see that indeed I was right or wrong. Hopefully I’ll remember myself as cool.

I'm tired. I'll try and finish this entry later.

2008-07-19T03:57:00.000-07:00

I haven’t updated my blog in a while and I thought I ought to since I don’t have a life at all anyway. I haven’t written not because I don’t know what to write about or because I’ve been too busy to relax for a quick update with you guys - It’s because I’ve simply been too lazy enough to care about blogging anymore. I love blogging; don’t get me wrong. I just prefer to go at my own speed and every so often I hit a little snag where it doesn’t entertain me much to bitch about the world and the problems I have in it for your viewing pleasure.

I haven’t done much besides scratch my ass and head. What? It feels good. It makes me feel a lot better than I’ve been forced to feel lately with my eating problem. I don’t have an eating disorder. It’s just that whenever I eat anything, my stomach decides to play the part of Czechoslovakia when I get my internal Blitzkrieg. I’m just glad there haven’t been any violent expulsions while sitting here at my desktop computer. I would hate to clean that mess up. Although it’d be nice if someone other than myself got to.

Roxanne and I spent about five hours in Lancaster looking in stores in which we never actually bought anything, only walked around with our arms crossed and waiting for our my dad to find a pair of work boots to settle on. After all of that useless time we spent there, we went to Wal-Mart to pick up party supplies for my sister’s sixteenth birthday party. I didn’t even know she was having one until the 18th (her birthday’s on the 20th). My best friend even knew before I did. It’s kind of strange and sad because I’m in the same house. He’s in Texas.

I’m going to give you the story about our visit to Wal-Mart.

The air outside was still and seething when I closed my door. The car even felt hot when I lightly tapped it. That’s California, always heating things up. It’s one of those places where you bring your young children on a vacation to leave absent-mindedly in the car with no air conditioning so you can have your fifteen minutes of infamy.

When we were driving in the parking lot I noticed these punk ass teenagers all laughing and arm-in-arm. It’s one thing to act stupid in public when you do it, but to do it with a group of people it’s even more pathetic. It’s like being proud of putting caps on water bottles. Retarded.

I said to my dad, “I hate fucking teenagers.” My sister’s a teenager and technically I’m still one myself, but we’ve never acted like urban gorillas. I don’t see them as “teenagers”, I see them as physically evolved but devolved mentally. They’re like god damn children living in a body that’s almost full-grown. If you like Tom Hanks’ acting, watch the movie Big.

When I got bored, I read the labels or product descriptions on anything I could get my hands on.

Alright. As far as the population of Wal-Mart goes, I keep thinking about Chris Farley's weight and it's an image stuck in my mind when I think of the blubber bitches tugging around their own comparably fat children. Everywhere I go I notice fat people and Miley Cyrus. The only intelligence I found, which is kind of funny, was when these four men were arguing about the quantities, costs, and quality of the beer they were considering. I also noticed that except for a few women, every one else was ugly. There was even this woman trying to get her idiot husband to help her choose makeup since she doesn't know how to conceal her own ugliness.

Conclusion: The freaks are at Wal-Mart. It is to be endured, though. I like seeing people at Da Vi and seeing how pathetically they try boost their self-esteem through pedicures and manicures when the first problem they should take care of is their face and then that gut popping out of their shirts.

Anyways, I know who this journal entry was suppose to be dedicated to, but I didn't finish this last night, so in your face Lauren. It's also kind of hard to say it since I don't really have a point to leap off from to make it good.

She's my girlfriend's best friend, but I feel like we're inching to that point of being really great friends. I think we already are. I care for her a lot and I'd like to make her happy, even though in some areas I may not be able to satisfy. So I do what I can to please her and ease the situation. I can be totally honest with her and I like knowing I can trust people. I want to keep trusting more people, but I don't give it away that easily. I handed it over to her in probably a matter of minutes. She's amazing like that. I like investing my feelings into something that yields a positive return and we've had a few bumps, but it hasn't shaken our friendship up too bad. So I really don't know what else to say Lauren. You rock.

Jess, this is your spot.

2008-07-06T02:29:00.000-07:00

Dearest Jess,

Within the first week of knowing you, I fell for you. And ever since that day I just, I just knew. The clock keeps ticking and time keeps passing, but I’ve been using it all up thinking about you non-stop. When I see anything, hear anything, touch anything, taste anything (spaghetti, no one get any ideas), or even smell, you come to mind. Any object somehow injects a new memory of you into me. A memory, even if not real, I’d remember. And all of my dreams of you are what I hold most to me. I had no idea it would be you, but I want all of you, forever. I know it’s crazy and foolish, but you know me Jess. I’m crazily in love with you. And I know you feel the same, you don’t deny it. People can think what they want to think. They can feel as bad as they want to feel about it. They can hate us. They can discourage us. But does that really matter when what matters the most to us is each other? I will be here for you always, even if by some chance things seem to swing another way. But I’m telling you right now, I will do everything in my power to keep you and me together. I don’t want you to go. I need you more than anything else I’ve found out. If you see your future with someone else, I won’t be bitter or angry. I’ll think about what we had and how we spent our time growing in love.

I want to grow old with you. I want to spend this life getting to know everything you are. I want touch to you, I want to kiss you, I want to be my wife, I want you to be the mother of my children, and I need your love. Without you, life seems pointless. You’re my reason for life. My purpose is to love you with every atom that makes me, me. And everything you are was delicately designed, beautifully crafted, for you are, quite simply, the definition of beauty to me.

Or when you wake up and your ribs are bruised thinking so hard on something. What do you call that?

2008-07-05T03:04:00.000-07:00

Yesterday morning I fell asleep with a shirt on. If I had fully appreciated the joys of feeling shirtless in the night like I had every other night, I wouldn’t have woken up with such restricted breathing. And I wouldn’t have torn it off of my body and thrown it to the floor. And I wouldn’t have been sweating as much.

I absolutely hate this weather – the desert I have always detested. When I watched The Mummy in my youth, I never thought I might actually have to see sand for even two hours of my life. Instead, I got four…years.

I realize this blog will follow my day a tad, so bear in mind that you’re likely to laugh at its quirks.

I didn’t do much until we left for a Fourth of July Bash held at Edwards AFB. I read The Meaning of it All by Richard Feynman. I thought about Terry Tao and what I heard about him solving the Riemann Hypothesis. I don’t intend on becoming a mathematician, but that’s pretty much what you are when you’re a Theoretical Physicist – you do a lot of math and deal a lot with logic. I also thought about what my girlfriend was doing. I thought about her all day. Especially when I heard “Little Wonders” by Rob Thomas come clearly across on the way home. The radio waves were going shit on us while my dad drove us there. My dad blamed it on the forest fires. We’ve been able to see the smoke for a week or so now hampering our view. I don’t think it’s the smoke. I haven’t found anything confirming this. It’s probably just general shitty radio reception. We live in the fucking desert. That’s practically off the grid.

Well, we got there and my dad picked up on something I didn’t bother to recall. When we were being directed by the trafficker, he had blue surround his Captain bars. When I was fourteen I joined the Civil Air Patrol. Pretty much all we did was fly around in a Cessna all day or do some military drills. I didn’t thrive in that environment. I actually ended up quitting, much to the surprise of everyone because the previous day I had been cited as an example as the best cadet they had. The senior “officer” was part of a Civil Air Patrol sect.

I had no idea what these guys were thinking. A week earlier when my dad and I were in the library we saw a huge sign advertising the event. They didn’t have jack shit there like what was flaunted on the sign. We were walking around in 103 degrees of heat and I certainly wasn’t enjoying being in the heat anymore than girls that find out they have hair between their ass crack or something. What we found the most ironic was that when compared our 4th of July’s we had lived overseas to the ones we actually had in America, the other countries won. It’s a bit sad.

I was getting tired of hearing about the 24,000 boxes of popcorn they were trying to sell and tired of overhearing the dull conversations people brought up to waste their time outside. When we finally left, it took about 5 minutes just to leave. Oh, there was traffic alright! It wasn’t a car though. It was a slow ass woman who walked on the road and nothing was said or done about it. I wanted to reach over and honk my father’s car horn.
We went home. I figured Jess would be asleep by the time I got home, it was around 5-6 PM. So I just brought up a book from my stack and finally got to catch up on some reading I had been missing out on. That’s what happens when you’re in love or of course, if you’re bored. I got distracted like always. That really makes me mad. I don’t regret what I did though, although it is kind of inhumane. I know I shouldn’t of…

But it felt so good and so right. I was eating watermelon. It was amazing. It brought about this cooling effect when I’d be eating it. I didn’t feel like I had to splash cold water on my skin anymore. A few hours later we went out to see the fireworks.

It was nice. I thought of bombs, the speed of sound, the Chinese and how this “stuff” set us up for outer space exploration, Russians, October Sky, World War II, fires (the fire department got a lot of calls), and Jess. I wanted her to be there watching with me. I thought about our future. I thought about holding up one of our kids on my knee and her swinging an arm around me, resting her head on my shoulder, smiling down at our kid. We’d be seeing the fireworks as a family. When I think of the future, she’s always in it. Why? I want it and it needs to be that way. I love her to deeply to let her go and separate. And so what if we both fear losing each other? Fuck Yoda. I don’t give a shit if he says the fear of loss leads to the Dark Side. He’s computer generated. And has one of those pedophile old people voices.

I watched Cold Mountain after the fireworks exhibition was over. I have watched the movie over two thousand times literally; it is my favorite movie. I can’t bring myself to summarize. I won’t even give you a link. It would not do the film justice or the book.

There are a couple things I thought about during the film.

The first was that they barely knew each other, but through all of their tribulation, they found each other again and were able to continue where they left off.

The second was that he was walking home to her. She was his compass. She was home.

We all go through times that ail us and try to overcome them. During the film it was much like an odyssey. Whatever setbacks he had, whatever stood in his way, he would find a will and a way to get back to her. And through all of this and for all he felt for her, he hardly knew her and he even thought she wouldn’t remember him. He risked his life daily to just embrace her for a fleeting moment. In his mind, he kissed her every day of his walking. Likewise, I kiss her in my dreams and while I feel half-asleep in the morning, I think she’s been sleeping in bed the entire time with me.

Wherever she is, my heart is. And wherever my heart is, I will be.

How are you this evening, Mrs. Martinson?

2008-07-04T03:43:00.000-07:00

Well, today is the fourth of July. I’m pretty sure everybody in the United States (already excluding infants) acknowledges the importance of the day. I don’t feel like I need to give an entire discourse on it. It gives the pyromaniacs the freedom once a year to come out of their basements with their new devices of amusement and awe.

Completely ignoring the fact that I should be celebrating the day (it’s only 2 in the morning) for the time being, I will give you a small lecture on unrequited love.

I’m sure there’s a minority of perfect people with perfect lives that have had all of the chips fall into place sequentially and executed everything the way it should be in life by avoiding every little discomfort imaginable. For the majority, we jest at the idea of a perfect life. It’s ideal to think about. Our dreams do indeed circle around the things we want the most and are willing to work for to make it better. And as the chips fall in place for us, we live with what we’re dealt with. The value of what we’ve got is entirely dependent on an opinion. Everyone has some kind of significance. How much? Up to you.

I think it was second grade when I had my first crush. I can’t remember if there was any before that; I highly doubt there was. Her name was Amber Johnson. And so all these crushes developed as I matured through adolescence and I began thinking more often about women, instead of more lucrative topics during lessons. I could never get my mind off of them. They were so pretty, so fragile, and yet they were all born to care for another and provide something more deeply than ever to change any man’s perspective on life. People change people and love changes everyone.

All of this time I saw the boys I knew grow to be men (in a sense) now that they were keeping a tryst with women. And I could never figure out how they did it. My best friend, Andrew, and I thought about women frequently. We wondered how these dumb apes could put the sticks together and gain some esoteric knowledge or insight into women while we sucked so miserably at it. We were definitely good at book work. We were just as retarded as we thought about women.

By the end of high school, all we managed to accomplish were a few rejections. I’m not sure about him, but I understand girls a little better now. Of course, all those supplementary penis enlarging growth pills helped. I joke. Anyway, I guess through trial-and-error, you find out your answer after a few shakes and breaks, and your end product is something you could be happy with.

I figure predating the acquisition of my girlfriend that all of these failures were something I could learn from. And hopefully something that everyone else can learn from too.

The subject I was alluding to as I mentioned was unrequited love.

I’ll use my last crush as the ideal example.

When I moved to California, I was nothing but a Harry Potter enthusiast, science-imbibing, video game crazed, mysterious boy. At the beginning, I was anxious to make friends because of how my past experience had been – left without them. As I was getting to know the people around me and what life had to offer, my eyes fell on a woman, who helped and hindered me. I’d be sitting at my table alone with one of the many books I had about math or science that I got from the library, but when she passed by or I had her in sight, I managed not to read or remember a single sentence from the book. She’d be sitting with her friends enjoying herself, laughing, and curiously, I wondered what it would be like if I was the one making her. She was easy on the eyes, and I quickly “fell in love” with her.

I have a little problem. I’ve got a good mind and nothing is that screwed up about me, but my social skills are not/were not adequate to fit her when I first spoke to her. I had her in a class of mine and we would make a few comments to each other, nothing other than the work. After months of this pathetic performance, I was quite fed up with the situation. I bought Zoloft and overdosed. And then I bought those peni…joking. Every time I saw her, I knew what I wanted from her. I wanted to be the one to make her laugh, a person to talk to, anybody. I didn’t just want to be her classmate. I didn’t want her to just overlook my case.

My opportunity strikes. I had to take the bus after school because that was my only method of transitioning me from one place to another, so I hopped aboard and she happened to be there. Every seat – I say this with certainty – was taken. All except for the one next to her. Politely as I could, I asked if I could please sit next to her, even though it was inevitable anyway that I would have to since the bus driver has a short fuse. Ten minutes I struggled. Ten minutes I struggled to say something intelligible. I was thinking and panicking because the words were not vocalizing; they were internalizing and annoying the shit out of me. It felt like I had been stripped of my vocal cords and only able to function as a writer. That was no good. I wasn’t going to whip out the college-ruled paper and write “Hi” in huge, gray, graphite letters. So I said something. I can tell you I came home happy because I made her say, “Why are we laughing?”

But as our conversations lit up like the nightlights in Vegas, it was only me who felt anything. In my head, I thought of our conversations as something that transcended the ordinary, platonic enclosure. Looking back, I realized it was nothing but meaningless small talk. You see, when you feel like your heart has wings, you’re probably a bit crazy when you don’t know how the other person truly feels. It’s a sad thing, knowing that what you’ve got is something you’ve learned of from only your hopes and dreams. Having been told that there was no such similar connection, I wondered what I had done wrong. Of course, I didn’t ask. It wouldn’t be embarrassing, but I was too vulnerable and let in the doubt that I might never find somebody. So like the man I am, I thought for some time. I came to the conclusion that it was nothing else than the great affliction of unrequited love. A one-sided temporary delight and at the expense of your affection, you throw your dice and see if you come back lucky or shit out of luck. The latter, that aching, sorrowful, disappointing blow that hauntingly recurs is your reality.

It hurts. To know that your range of emotions can be felt so deeply, every one of them for this person, although all they feel virtually nothing that causes them to think like you do.

To you, they are everywhere. To you, they are all you think about. And to them, you have just been that boy who sat next to a girl who, with all of her laughter, could find my feelings a joke. That’s at least how I felt. It might’ve been just the bitterness clouding my judgment, but you know what you’re feeling and you can’t do anything about it but fuss. It hurts badly to be unloved. And especially if there’s no reason you should be.

I am fairly competent. My looks are sufficient; I did not fall into a radioactive lake. I am nice. I have all these qualities, which none were realized nor ever considered much good when it came to women. At least until I met Jess. You go on not knowing why or being able to explain this absence, this cold and brooding personal trouble. And I’m sorry you feel it because I’ve felt it too, as I’ve been trying to relate.

But you will meet someone. For me, that person is Jess. And what I feel is so contradictory because at the same time it can be simple yet complicated. It’s a feeling, which I might add, I am not smart enough to define and no one ever born has been smart enough to coin. It’s not love, but that’s what Google would tell you.

What I have for her is something much deeper, something disassociated with hurt or malice. It’s a pure and eternal alternative or novel feeling, quite possibly, an improvement on love. And I have learned that she has been so much affected with me as I am with her. And I have learned that this feeling, although science teaches me that nothing is ever for sure and encourages doubt, I will feel forever. It is ageless and priceless.

I have never had much, but what I have is her and that will always be enough.

Happy fourth of July. It’s 3:44 AM now.

Where is my mind?

2008-07-02T05:16:00.000-07:00

In all honesty, I don't know what to fucking write. So I'm just going to keep going until my hands feel tired enough to give me the moment's notice when to take a break. I'm up. It's going to be 6 AM by the time I finish this probably, I'm still up, I'm not that tired, but one of my eyes hurt. I'm really upset at how stupid things can get, how ordinary they can be, and how utterly pathetic it is to take shit from liars. I feel betrayed, mortified, confused, angered, and I want something deceased. I'm not a killer nor will I ever be as far as I can tell, but I'm telling you now, I'm pretty mad.

What I hate the most in life is how people say things, but they never back their statements up with any meaning behind it. They just say crap and then they regurgitate it to everyone else, so you really don't know if they're telling the truth or having some huge ass facade erected to make you oblivious to their deceitful enterprise company where they go around putting a few signs in your yard saying "FUCK YOU, WE MOVED INTO THE NEIGHBORHOOD. TAKE A SEAT, WE'RE GOING TO FEED YOU BULLSHIT LIKE ANY FOUNDATION THAT HAS EVER TRIED TO PERSUADE YOU INTO BUYING INTO THEIR PETTY CAUSE. HEHE."

Anyway. It's stupid. I don't like trusting people. And I certainly hate finding out things by myself that they leave little fractions of puzzle pieces that I'm just so good at piecing together. So fuck, right? Why do people have to be such bitches? Grade A pussies? Why can't somebody be completely honest with me and not make up these half-truths so I don't end up scrutinizing their statements? It's just so illogical to lie. I mean, what the fuck? Are you really that much of a loser to not tell me all the things that I should probably know? Or is it just one of those things where you keep it to yourself because you like to spin your little web of lies? So basically, fuck people.

Coming Soon

2008-06-29T01:47:00.001-07:00

A DAY IN MY SHOES

By Casey Martinson

For me and the majority of the world, our day starts where we last slept. To me waking up is a descent from the past into the present with a fierce hurt when you stream into consciousness. The pain is at least recognized by me. It passes through the body fast enough not to be noticed. All of the moments in my dreams are reduced to ash, leaving little recollection of any "happy" moment I might've been experiencing in my mind.

In the morning, it's a slow process. I lay there, just coming on-line with the world, and it's from something like a defibrillator shocking me back to live, having me learn how to breathe again. I'm gasping for air and I realize there's sweat on my entire body. Once I recognize I'm alive, I lay there for a while wondering if it's really worth it to get up. I don't have much to look forward to, but I get up anyway.

Bitches

2008-06-28T02:16:00.000-07:00

So earlier I was reading in Scientific American that blogging improved sleep and memory. I'd say memory and sleep go hand in hand, but sleep and blogging? I wouldn't think there would normally be a connection but apparently the information I read suggests there is. Among other things I read in there, there was some pretty interesting stuff about Hobbits. Just another homo whatever to add to the evolution chain or another hoax to embarrass the paleontological society. All I see it is as another ancestor of which no one will really give a shit about except for the people in scientific circles since any enrichment during the summer is obviously not going to happen to our bright school children and a majority of the world restricted to average-intelligence. I was reading a few days ago about how people ignore science completely and live through their lives without much education on science in Richard P. Feynman's book, The Pleasure of Finding Things Out and also how they're happy about that. A lot of things don't make sense, but this does and it's stupid. Why are people unfeeling? Don't they know how important it is? Sometimes I question whether man would be in The Jetsons age by now if it weren't for the weak constraining the great. I think everybody learned that putting your heads together did more greater harm or good than one man would do all by himself. The weak minded are like parasites that just don't make a good day. They complain about everything and you never get any productivity from them whatsoever. They sit in their trailers and let the cancer eat away at their organs when they smoke too much or let their liver deteriorate from too much alcohol consumption. I suppose that it's a good thing a government mandate making them pay their taxes and dues is straightforward enough. That's the only way they contribute to the research and ultimately to the development of the advancement toward technological and cultural superiority. That's all. Otherwise, they're just cankers. I mean, okay, the people with illnessness. They can't help that. The people who can use their brains though? Wow, so you see it fit to use your life to endlessly smoke pot and avoid pursuing any life goals you might've had as a kid by substituing a lifestyle that involves you as employee at Burger King with a GED. Yeah, you're really something. I'm sure as hell that's not where you want to be or ever wanted to be. Ever needed to be. People have so much trouble seeing the potential of the human brain. Sure, you can be categorized as nothing special, but if you only think you're bound by these "laws" that govern your life such as what one's opinion on your mental capacity is, you'll never make any progress in what you want to do. Why? You'll feel like you can't do it and it'll be reinforced by your deficiency at whatever it is you're trying to accomplish. And that's sad. No one who didn't put their hard work and effort into something failed in an intellectual sense. People fail daily like that girl who dressed up as a faerie to sing on America's Got Talent, but that's not the kind of failing I'm talking about. It's okay to "fail", but it's not okay to convince yourself that you won't strike success. It's not okay to suppose that you will never get anything done and give up. It is not okay to finish out with nothing to show for it. So you may think you've failed, but it's not really failure at all - it's a struggle, an upward battle to learn and take the high-ground. No one said that learning and working would be easy. No one. If anybody has any goals they want to strive for, I say give it a shot, no matter who you are. And I especially encourage the "normal" people to enter science as a profession - I believe this whole "best of the best" crap is just a way to steer away people. The more people involved, the more you get done.

Pushing Daisies is a great show. Ever since the Writers Guild strike my heart has been frozen - only Anne Friel and Lee Pace can make it melt. The episodes are so well thought out and the dialogue is exceptional. They have an amazing staff and supporting cast. The concept also is quite unique. One touch life. One touch dead. It's amazing what you can do with a touch of a finger, even if you don't bring back murder victims for sixty seconds or a childhood sweetheart.

Who would I bring back that's dead if I had such a power? No one, if I could help it. If I happen to see an old crush I had when I'm in my twenties being lifted out of the sea, I'll try and fight the urge to attend the wake. September 16th the Pushing Daisies DVD Box Set comes out, so make room on your mantles and/or shelves. I can't wait to see how clever the writers can be by finding out ways to express your affection without touching. It's old-fashioned. The main characters, Ned and Chuck, can't touch or she'll be dead forever. One touch life. One touch dead. So they've gone from using Emerson to hug Chuck for Ned or using saran wrap as a protective shield across a face to prevent a death touch to kiss.

Just low-blood sugar, ate a snickers, thanks for coming.

2008-06-25T16:29:00.000-07:00

After yesterday’s incident, I made this journal entry as long as I could make it without boring myself to death.

I read Twilight. For those of you who don’t know the book, it’s the first of a series sweeping the nation that young women were eager to latch onto after August 2007, when JK Rowling unveiled to the world Harry Potter’s last escapade. The story is written in first-person from Isabella “Bella” Swan’s point of view, detailing her misapprehension of the character Edward Cullen, the boy she meets after moving to Forks and her object of infatuation. While this is a common psychosis known to happen throughout high school, Stephanie Meyer’s prose is lackluster, inconsequential, and an over-idealized perception that molds “perfect” into the minds of women. It’s no surprise that many of these women iconoclast men, hoping that such a person they swoon over as Edward Cullen could be a veritable and tangible person. And I just think that’s a bit nutty. It’s good to have an idea of what you think would make a good partner, but you’re hoping for more than you will ever get. Why? Such a person does not exist. I hope someone has hammered the point into your head by now that perfection does not exist in human form. I do not understand why people feel so inclined to go so far as to use their teeth to rip someone’s clothes off in order to mate with somebody fictional or even real. It’s animalistic. I’m glad at least some humans have evolved whereas the ones who haven’t mentally fuck like bunny rabbits. Have I ever been obsessed with somebody? Yes. What have I learned? You put this story together in your head about this person, inking out any misfiring neurons that tell you that what you’re doing is stupid when you write your thoughts on your mind script, and invent these impossible scenarios that cast you as the main character and your celebrated crush in some quasi-melodramatic moment. In reality, you go on thinking they’re perfect and yet nothing ever happens. You know why? They’re just not into you. You’re fucking obsessed with them and that is not an attractive quality at all. Guys don’t even like hearing about it and girls don’t either. Why? One word: disgusting. And everyone lowers themselves to this stage because superficiality is superlative. It means perfection. You don’t think of perfection when you’re looking for a mate at how their test scores are or how they act. All of that comes later after.

I’ve been thinking a lot about high school. It’s over. How do I feel about that? I think it could’ve been better, but it could’ve been a lot worse, too. I was never that popular in high school for any one reason. I think it’s just the simple fact that no one saw me in the limelight. I don’t feel too at odds with that either. Personally, I hate when I receive attention from people that I don’t have a care in the world for. It would be too overbearing to have to be the wunderkind in high school. I was known for being an exceptional video gamer and being smart. That never got me women, anyhow. It’s good to have those qualities. Actually, it’s great to have those qualities. It’s not cool to go through that period of my life without any personal connection to the world aside from the Internet. I didn’t have any friends, really. It sucked major ass because I’d find myself spending more time at home than outside. I would just game away and leave my social life quietly in the corner waiting for its time-out to be over. Like I always had this idea that a girl would walk up to me and want to talk to me in order to get to know me. That never occurred. Even with males that never happened. It’s just been so annoying to be left alone, even if you try your hardest to put yourself out there. What is the result? I’m at home and barely leave the house. Basically all I do is bitch about the heat and type to a girl in her knickers and bra that lives in London with no air conditioning. At least that’s nice. I also do a ton of reading, gaming, and writing. If I don’t keep myself occupied, I’m going to go crazy. Now, you might say, why don’t you get a job?

I don’t have a car. I can’t get a car since I have no money. No jobs are available within walking distance, so a bike ride in 105+ temperatures over 2-3 hours to the next city is not an appealing idea.

I also found out that the crush I had got a boyfriend. Do I see it as a waste of time that I spent talking to her? Well, I’d say it’s about half yes and half no. What I got from it was that maybe socializing isn’t so hard at the beginning and I don’t know why I keep thinking its some impossible feat. The downside is that I never got anywhere close. She didn’t like me. I failed. How discouraging. I know the guy. I won’t question his intelligence because he’s mediocre and she is as well. So maybe they’re an okay match. They’ll just make an average kid with no prospects of getting into a good school. The guy has an obsession with cars, so I’m pretty sure he’d choose whatever new make/model comes out over her. I don’t think he’d see her as a good investment, only a temporary benefit…that’s talking tits and ass. He’s going to get laid. Whatever. It’s none of my concern about what happens to her anymore. It’s her life. I just wish somebody would include me in theirs that I like. Why is it so hard for someone I like to like me back? It’s a never-ending depression cycle. I pent-up all of this emotion, let it out as cordially as I can, and I feel like I get sucker punched by fucking Gary Coleman, laughing his ass off at how I failed miserably.

I bet you can't guess who's ass that belongs to. (old post I found in draft section that I thought was fucked over)

2008-06-24T14:09:00.000-07:00

Anyways, something for the male viewers to ogle and also something for me to keep my eyes somewhere on this blog instead of other sites. It's amazing how the female anatomy can keep boys in rapt attention.

I haven't been doing much lately other than cleaning. I can tell you something with confidence right now: I absolutely hate cleaning, but I hate when things aren't clean. The smell of the cleaning products made me nauseated. The only good thing about cleaning is drawing with Old English when you're wiping down the cabinets or practicing your broomstick ninja moves. And also the finished result. Everything looks much nicer. I wish I didn't have to look into every corner to make sure it had no scum or recheck places where there are microorganisms lurking around that I didn't murder with disinfectant. I get tired of cleaning fast and I frequently took naps on the jobs when they thought I was cleaning. It's really funny because they never found out. At least the place looks good. It's ready for the new homeowners to move in, I believe.

Most of the time I've been reflecting on my past, but a few things have bothered me. One is how a girl thought I needed to get out more and tried to coerce me into doing things because she thinks it's stupid to do what I want to do myself. I find that majorly offensive when somebody tries to make you do something you don't want to do instead of taking the high-ground and respecting what a person wants to do with their life. She had no right to say what she did and certainly she is not able to dictate my events or activities that I wish to pursue. So fuck her and I hope she rots in hell with her Judeo-Christian-Islamic belief system where she just "knows" that God sent me to her and all that bullshit. I swear, some people are so fucking disillusioned that they need to dilute their thoughts and find out what actually makes sense. All I hear is a bunch of twelve year olds sporting a pseudo-scientific hypothesis that has never been proven in the context of a debate and them taking the Bible literally as fact. Clearly, there is more evidence coming from the smarter people. I think smart people are more trustworthy than pre-Civil War John Brown crazy ass.

J'ai besoin d'une cigarette.

2008-06-19T16:38:00.000-07:00

I just chugged a half a gallon of water because my throat is dry. But that's not all that's dry - my flippin' hands, my face, and even my sex life. I think I got about 2 hours of sleep, which I find clearly inadequate as energy when I want to use the higher-order mental faculties without producing a nebulous throbbing headache. So I've been taking it easy right now and been getting my dosage of the scientific blogosphere. Apparently everybody saw the moon last night and logged on to blog about it. That's not surprising.

Why am I tired? Well, I was up playing Halo 3. My right index finger hurts like a bitch right now after 12 hours straight of pulling the trigger. And then when I had to adjust to the two hours of sleep I got, I was having trouble coping with the fact that this landlord guy was late. Being the "man of the house" I had to oversee the inspection since my dad was absent for it due to work. There's something even more funny to this: I didn't know it was the landlord when they came over. You see, these two guys came to fix the problems we were having with the dishwasher, but I didn't know one of them was the landlord. I thought they were both partnered repairmen. So apparently I just wasted even more time waiting for the landlord that already came for a few more hours until my dad came home. He informed me that the landlord was one of them and I was totally oblivious to the fact thereof. I'm glad I wasn't an asshole, but they did inquire why I looked so weird. I told them I was sick. My skin was turning gray. I'm okay now, though.

I hate my skin right now. It's fucking disgusting. I hate the summertime and all the joy it brings into my heart. The only time my skin can tolerate these weather conditions (desert temperatures) are during the winter. Now I just look like I'm about to slither off a snakeskin. Lotion fails. I need to live in a place with more humidity.

This chick is an awesome blogger. She writes like an informed college student, but she looks as if she either had some age progression due to early use of tobacco or she really is aging like wine. Well, she looks good, but she's old. That's why I'm trying to say. Actually, I don't know what I'm trying to say, lol.

In a joking manner, of course.

2008-06-18T22:03:00.001-07:00