I’m alone right now, so I figure I’ll pass the time by updating my blog again. I don’t want to keep you non-existent viewers from reading it, now do I? My wife’s been sick and she’s dealing with her period this week, so I’m trying to show some patience. It’s been a difficult last few days. I told her about everything that was on my mind and it didn’t get better until a few days after. How much I told her didn't illustrate how bad I felt, maybe a fraction of how terrible I feel when I’m without her. It just hurts.
She says she feels the same and she can handle it better, but I’m feeling this loneliness so strongly I wonder if she does understand how incredibly bad it is for me when she’s out of sight. I’ve been really lonely and she really doesn’t know what to do about it. She can’t do anything about it, which sucks and I keep telling her that I’ll “deal”. I’m telling her that because I don’t want her to get depressed over it and I’m just trying to store the pain somewhere else. I don’t know where and I’m not pretending like it’s not there, but I’m just trying to be good for her as much as I can despite the pain of being without her. And hearing her reference that it’s going to be a long time before we can be together just makes me dwell on what’s to come. More loneliness that I have to put up with. I’m trying not to feel the pain. I’m trying the hardest in my life to stretch my good spirit instead of just depressing her more, making her sick to her stomach when I come up with these things that make her sad. I don’t want to make her sad. These last few days with her have been fucking terrible. She was really shitty but so was I. Well, feeling shitty. She doesn’t help at all when she’s being sarcastic and pretends when I try to help myself out and her. And then she goes cold like I know will happen and I never want that.
It hurts really badly and she’s hurting because I am, so I want to be better so she won’t feel like total crap as well. What solution is there to solve this loneliness? Is there any? I don’t know. There’s one, but it’s very far off, I suppose. But I haven’t thought of any and I’m sure she hasn’t conjured any as well to stave off this loneliness. So it appears right now that there’s nothing we can do about it and that I’m just going to have to put up with it. She says I shouldn’t have to. And I don’t say anything to that when she says that. It’s because she’s right, but I have to. It’s the only way to deal with it and it hurts so badly. I’ve cried a lot. I feel powerless and weak when I can’t be with her, but I just have to accept it and move on with my life that there’s nothing she can do about it. And just continue to die a little so I can live a little too when I get to be with her. It’s like a give and take.
When I’m just by myself I feel my life is being drained. That I’m not ever going to be happy again. And she sees the residue when we’re together again. Sometimes it takes hours. Sometimes it takes days to go away. But it’ll go away for some time. It’ll always be there like a wound that never heals until we can finally be together in person. I’m glad she hasn’t really asked about my sleep. It’s been terrible. The nightmares are intense. This morning I had one where I was in the sky and she told me she had things to do, and turned her back on me and kept walking. And I don’t know how we were standing in the sky, but there was like an invisible floor until she did that. And I felt so terrible, I fell. I kept falling. Going faster, faster, and faster until I accepted that things had to be like this. That I couldn’t change them for now. No matter how much I try to save myself, it has to be her that saves me. And like I said in my last entry…may not be today…may not be tomorrow…six months from now…but someday.
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