Can't you see my heart is heavy?

Alright, I think I must've backspaced the beginning of this blog a hundred times at least by now. I guess the time between blog entries represents the laziness carried in my fingertips by not having anything published here for several days. I just really don't know what to say anymore that has to be said or that I feel should be shared. Everything has been focused on keeping things within myself and telling Lauren what I'm thinking about too that I feel no one other than ourselves deserve to know. But I'll reveal a few things that definitely aren't attached to inherent obligations to maintain confidences with another.

Last night I had a few beers and headed back to my room to talk with Lauren. Incase you don't have a clue who that is, she's my wife pretty much. She was in bed and had to wake up around six, so I was going to stay up and wish her off. I didn't want to say goodbye. I didn't. I just told her I love her before she left. I tried to stay awake, honestly. It's usually not a hassle because I can't ever sleep good or much anyway. I hum her one of our songs when we go to bed so she can sleep. She says it helps, so I do it. Well, when I got up out of bed and looked for something, she woke up. I felt like an idiot for being so loud in the room because she was sleeping.

I was pretty frustrated last night, too. I was tired too and didn't want to deal with it, so I told Lauren I could handle it myself since she didn't need to be awake for me. She had six hours until she had to work and she gave up pretty easily. She was tired; I didn't mind. Lauren told me before falling asleep again to tell her the nice things. I tried. I'd go from mostly nice to terrible things. Not terrible about us particularly but about myself. She wasn't awake to witness my total breakdown. I dealt everything I had to say last night. She never heard a peep of it. And I felt so terrible, I passed out and woke up right when she had to go to work. And then she left for work, I stayed in bed, and we haven't talked since.

I've still been pretty crappy. I like hearing from her at work, but I guess she's really swamped with the customers since there's some festival going on and hasn't had a single moment of time to herself at all to message me. But yeah, I'm trying so hard to keep control and to keep being happy. I've been trying so hard to remain in control. And if I don't, I make her unhappy and that makes me feel ten times worse when she goes cold on me and doesn't try to help me anymore. I can't stand it when she does that, so I'm doing my best to avoid being unhappy. It's really hard because I don't know where it all stems from. I don't want to be sad all the time and I guess when I know I won't be able to speak to her for a while it' s insanely depressing being alone. I just want her to stay with me. Right now I have her, but I really don't. I wish she could read my mind. I wish she could lay here and stay with me for a while. Perhaps forever, if she wanted to hold onto me for that long. But being with her seems so far away and out of reach right now. I just want everything I hope for to come true and sadly it's not today or tomorrow...but someday. *sigh*

Oh. It's also my dog's birthday today. She's 7 now. I miss my dog. I miss Lauren. The only good thing about today is that there's a huge cloud over the sky, just like there is over me...I feel the lonelinest I've ever felt in my life. And I'll revisit the feeling sometime soon, I guess. *sigh*