Breaking Nessa

So, August 2nd all fangirls with their support system of more fangirls, made the trek to their stores where Breaking Dawn was distributed at midnight. It's a girls book, eh? And the rest of the guys I know are gay that bought it. Oh God. Anyways, I'm on Team Edward. Basically because Jacob is a little bitch who gets angry and turns into a furry animal to scamper away to Canada. I also noticed the prettier girls were for Team Edward anyway. Don't go with the ugly crowd. They'll bring you and your self-esteem down. Why? Because you'd be a part of the ugly crowd, duh. So I got my hands on Breaking Dawn and I've only read a couple chapters in; enough to spoil it for some. I have a friend who is ten years old. She's a doll. She's fun. However, she is a complete fanatic of the Twilight series and to just rub it in that I have it and she doesn't, I totally spoiled some stuff for her. Am I an asshole? I'm sure that's what she'd say in a few years from now when cuss words become an addition to her vocabulary. It's so funny though. She gets worked up and she blocks me on MSN and says, "I hate chu". I wish I could cry but...*touches skin* cold as a vampire.

I also saw Step Brothers. Now, I wouldn't look too philsophically into this film because it's a comedy, but I thought they were pretty accurate when it comes to adjustment with new family members. And they also presented the breaks and bends of what could potentially harm a marriage - the kids. They also showed some "male bonding" and I thought it was comical but also true. I've done a lot of retarded things with Andrew and people I thought could be my friend(s). I recall taking shots of mountain dew mixed in with pringles crumbs. I also remember throwing toy hippos at the wall and sitting on the bus punching each other as hard as we could on the way home over stupid things. We also tried to assassinate my sister's goldfish. What? It was a communist. No McCarthyism there. Just straight up profiling and putting a bullet - well, I guess not a bullet- uhm, a bunch of toxic chemicals, soda, and a lot of other crap in the bowl. It didn't die. Not until it was placed in the bathroom and my father used the bathroom one day. Oh well, huh? The toilet bowl was just another place to go! They all go back to the sea eventually. You think I'm bad? Think of the guy behind the counter chopping up bluefin/yellow tuna for sushi. I walk past the guy at grocery store and feel the "Chuck Norris" urge to roundhouse kick his ass. They kill those fuckers fresh. Poor bastards. He does, anyway.

I hate sluts. People who get tramp stamps are fucking sick.

"Well well well, looks like this lonely housewife went out to get herself a little pick me up. And in her case, that is a tramp stamp - a tattoo in the small of her back. Why do they call it a tramp stamp? Because when you see a girl sporting one, you can be pretty sure that she's a nympho that needs special attention - especially doggie style!"

Obviously these people know what they're talking about. They run a porno website. And I see lots of girls mentioning this on HEX. I'm glad they keep their sex life to themselves instead of voicing out their rainbow clit-licking or cock-riding fantasies. It doesn't even make you look sexy. It just makes me raise an eyebrow and scoff. Absolutely disgusting.

Hm. I'm trying to decide how to approach this problem or past problem or whatever it is. It's got nothing mathematical and virtually no logic can really be applied here. Really, it's too complicated, too complex and as humans we'll never fully understand it. Not even if we found the Fountain of Youth. Basically, here's the whole caboodle concerning love which I'm sorting out in confusion.

Long story short, I fell in love with two people. They are best friends and I am sure I've stretched their friendship a lot. I mean, I blame myself for everything that has happened because I know I was truly the problem to begin with. If you took me out, there wouldn't have been frustration and a lot of salty tasting water coming from our eyes. That was my reasoning at first - get me out. I wanted to disappear, fake my death even. I knew the consequences of vanishing. I didn't want them to unfold and I would be concerned for their well-being even after. All I would do is try to forget. All this time I was trying to decide who I loved more because they both brought me happiness and it seemed like their happiness levels had a dual-plateau, an equal measure.

Lauren let me go. I don't know why I didn't react like I should have. I suppose it's because in my head I thought that I already formed the idea of who it would be anyway. I felt like I loved Jess more because deep down, it's what I wanted to believe and I think I love her as I've said. I just don't know how to explain why exactly, a reason Lauren seeks so much. And that brings me to a dilemma. If I can't explain why, does that mean I love her more? Or does that mean I lack the reason behind it because love can't be logical so it doesn't matter anyway? Or how about does that mean I've put myself into a state of confusion and I actually still love them equally? I can't give Lauren an answer. And I know in a recent occurence with Jess where we made up after she had let me go (I cried so much), I caused her a great deal of pain (Lauren). But she wants an answer. I haven't been able to give it to her. That wouldn't prevent her from expressing her affection or anything, she knows I love her. And I don't know when, I'm not even sure her love will deviate and latch on to someone else. And I know what I've said in the past will keep her alright. But she knows also that if I go with Jess (we haven't officially gotten back together), we can't be together or any of that for most likely a lifetime. I mean, I'll always be there for her. We'll make time for just the two of us and we'll know our parameters. And she'll continue hurting, although being there for her makes this suffering infinitesmally bearable. I mean, I know I wouldn't be there for Jess because the suffering for me is alone enough to kill me just being in her presence. I felt my life draining away from me when we spoke one morning and talked about our doomed fates as separate souls with no children to be raised when we had so planned them. I lost her, I lost something very important to me. I wanted it back, but I didn't. We were suppose to let each other go...but we couldn't. Do I regret having her come back to me? No, I don't. I just don't know how to deal with Lauren. I mean, I want her to have me, but I want Jess to have me too. If I had a clone this would be so much easier. I won't give into temptation since I've tried defining the boundaries between me and Lauren. I know she'll put on this faux-appearance that everything's just find and dandy if I'm with Jess. I know she'll pretend to be happy. I know she'd truly be hurting every single second, every second passing complicating the condition of her figurative and physical heart. But I can't help how the future goes. If it's Jess filled, she'll have to accept that and we'll be the closest we can. We'll always have time to be together, but it wouldn't be "the same". She would absolutely hate that. The difference can be illuminated, for example, by watching a movie when you're in a relationship and when you're just friends who happen to love each other. I mean, is this love everlasting that I have for the both of them? I think it is. I don't think I'd be able to stifle it. I love them both, I do. I don't want to hurt either of them. Nothing else has ever made my head spin or question my intelligence unless it came to brainteasers or something. They're both tricky and hard to think through. Jess makes me tremendously happy and Lauren does too. They say they're the same, but I don't know. It's different when I talk to them individually. It's like falling in love because of their similarities and how they treat the ongoing conversations we have in words I am not able to fully explain. They bring a lot of similarities and a lot of differences (because of who they are) to "it" and they're both great. So what have I accomplished by saying all this? I don't know. All I know is, I hope Jess is having a great time in Scotland and that I'm staying true to my promise. And that I hope Lauren enjoys her time viewing the exotic cats.