Today...or yesterday

I haven't been able to keep up with blogging really. Reasons? Too bothersome to update, I guess. Ever since I got what I wanted I feel like the need to complain about life ceased for a while. Why don't I talk about why life is great, then?

That's a great idea, but I don't give a shit. I don't need to spread joy and happiness. I think I'm going to be a little selfish and keep some for myself, instead of giving it away.

I haven't been doing much other than obsessing over my appearance. It's really not all that great. You get in close, you'll see. I hate myself and I hate that I have to examine every disgusting feature on my body. There's so much I'd like to change and perfect. It's always possible. I'm far from perfect and anyone can tell you that when they take a good look at me. I remember how stressed I was over my appearance when I was 14. I had to convince myself to stop caring because all of the cosmetic products I bought were starting to have side effects on my skin. Also the extreme weight loss caused a few too, which doesn't do too well for anyone's image in the end. Do I regret most of which I've done to my body to horrify myself when I look at the face sneering back at me? Yes, mostly. The weight loss was good at the time. I've gained half of it back or so to stay within a normal range. The stuff I used for my face I regret all of it. It's a tad funny. I bought at least 200 of the same and different products, read about a billion homemade remedies (tried a lot too), and took pills even. In the end it only made me look worse and for the next few years I've been trying to avoid thinking about myself by closely examining my skin. It's an obsession and it's a disgusting one. I'll have to go through tons of treatments/surgery before I'd ever be content with walking out the door or even looking at another person. It puts so much stress on me because I think people are constantly judging - they are. That's why it's a concern of mine. Recently I've matriculated a lot of stress. I feel like a mutant.

Aside from superficial stuff, I'm doing great. Well, I'm still somewhat sick because we're not that well off to maintain a good diet. I mean, we eat everyday, but I wouldn't say we're allowed to gorge ourselves or indulge in a certain appetite. Not much of a selection at home. I hate the fact that my family is poor and that I haven't done anything to contribute to gaining some money for myself. Sure. I could get a job. My dad just can't afford to drive me to interviews. Money puts a lot of stress on me because of that damn house we weren't able to sell. It's ruined us a great deal. I don't see my family being "poor" as a tragedy, maybe just a small motivation in the back of my head to succeed ever more once I get in college. I kind of hate how Andrew has to constantly bring up that I'm poor. It's not like I can control that. He always wants me to get what he has, but I can't afford even the most minimal request. The money issue bothers me a lot. My dad couldn't even buy me some cookies a few days ago when I asked him if he could. I actually quit therapy because I knew I wasn't helping my making him spend like fifty bucks for every session. I liked it because it gave me someone to talk to, but it's just one of the many sacrifices I had to make. Like not going to college this year. It's not because I wanted to take a year off at all, truthfully. It's just that my parents had assumed for all my education that I was still little better than someone destined for a military life. They wanted me to go in and they did not save a dime for me. It's amazing how they never anticipated that they had smart kids. My dad was reluctant to even enroll my sister in an AP online class because of our money issue. I don't think she's able to take it because of it. Also, even with financial AID, my parents can't contribute a penny. It's very tight here in the Martinson household. It pisses me off to no end. If we had only sold that house, mom would be here. If we had only sold that house, we wouldn't be living in this townhouse and actually living in a house we bought. I would've been in college right now. I have more to say about the whole school system and the polluted minds of softy high school counselors, but I'll save that for another time when I want to talk about how I get fucked over all the time by people. I have serious trust issues.

It took me a while before I could trust my girlfriend. I trust her completely now, of course. It took a while for me to actually make that leap of faith to believe in her. It's just that with the consistency of people fucking up and making my life more acute with pain, it's really to be expected that I won't trust easily. I do not like disappointment. I'm not disappointed in her at all. She's done rather well this weekend and I worried my ass off today. I keep thinking that something's going to happen. Not like a premonition or anything. It's just that bad scenarios keep injecting into my mind and it makes me tremble with hatred for them. I mean, it's like I'm against myself. I can't stop being so fucking insecure when it comes to her. I think it comes with being in love. It's the territorial issues. I want to protect her, yet I have no way in providing safety for her thousands of miles away. That won't be an issue anymore someday. She'll adjust to my disgusting appearance and awkward social nature.

I'm still doing great. I have no friends in this city. I practically stay in this house 24/7 and have an aversion to sunlight because I don't see a point in going outside. Who am I going to meet? What am I going to do outside? Sit around? Walk in the sunshine and get skin cancer? My skin is very sensitive. Being outside makes me look pink, I bet. When I get hot inside that's what happens too anyway, I'm sure. I'm starting to think I'm more like a vampire than ever. I mean, I do have those kinda teeth. I also HATE garlic. I don't know when the last time was when I've ever had garlic bread! Or breadsticks. I guess I could be handsome if you photoshop my face or something. I don't know, it's always a possibility that I might look better if you mold my face into something it's not. I don't think you'd get a great result no matter how many attempts you try. I can be strong when I need to be. It's amazing to me at the strength I can summon sometimes. I can be pretty sneaky. I'm also always hungry. Bleh.