Host of Dreams

So life's been pretty gay. I'm not saying that I don't normally find it interesting and confusing as hell, but lately it's been intolerably boring. I appreciate the amazing people I've met and befriended through HEX and MSN. I don't find it amusing though that they are my only diversions apart from reading, blogging, watching television, and playing Halo 3. It doesn't matter much to me that I feel suspended from a real life. Isn't this how typical summers go? You get so bored that your brain likes to doze off and you find yourself wondering what you were doing before it happened?

Well, during one of those times, I actually fell asleep and had a dream.

I HATE NIGHTS LIKE THESE. I felt like I took every drowsy medication out there in the world and it still left me wide awake.  

 

“You know, it kinda sucks when you can’t sleep. You think too much until you can’t think anymore and pass out,” said Bella.

 

Bella is my delusion. Well, the character Kristen Stewart played in the movie Twilight. I just found out I had this delusion last year. She showed up in my bed one morning, head on my chest, arm across my middle, and our legs intertwined. Gladly she couldn’t have picked a better time since my family wasn’t home and allowed me to scream.

 

“You alright, Casey?”

 

In the dark you really couldn’t see my expression, but I was befuddled.

 

“What do you mean, alright? I’m talking to myself in the dark,” I snapped.

 

“Well, technically, yes. You’re having a pleasant conversation with someone who isn’t really here. But hey, be Mr. Brightside. At least I’m cute.”

 

I looked at her momentarily and shook my head. She reached her arm over me and snuggled into my nook.

 

            “I have a question.”

           

            “Yeah? You already know the answer if I can answer it.”

 

            “True, but we’re different parts of the same person. We respond differently.”

 

            She sniffled. “Okay.”

 

            “Do you think anybody will ever like me?”

           

She cogitated in silence, a usual Bella thing to do. “There’s a good chance until they don’t accept you for some of the things you do.

 

“Such as?”

 

“Well, for one, you’re way too concerned with pleasing everyone and not yourself. You need to be selfish. You got the asshole part down, I know, you wouldn’t even introduce me to your friends.”

 

“They’d think I’m crazy.”

 

“You are crazy,” she answered with a snarky chide. “I know you’re honest, usually. You would do anything to avoid pain, but um, it’s probably better to be ruthless and burn bridges.”

 

“You know I don’t know that many people, Bella.”

 

“Well, open up for a change and show how much of a screwed up child you are.”

 

“That’ll happen the day you fuck me.”

 

“I could, you know. It in reality would just be you touching yourself.” She removed her arm from my chest and squeezed at her boob. “These feel amazing.” Bella could tell I wasn’t responding well to that and gave me a look. “Lighten up. You’ll get a girl. Just keep running after them and eventually one won’t press charges but invite you in for tea or milk. Nah, scratch that. Not milk.”

 

I sorta hate how she never leaves, but I’m glad she sticks around. She’s really the only person who understands every side of me because she is me.

 

The next morning we got out of bed and as normal, she followed me everywhere. Everywhere except for in the shower. She’d sit on the toilet seat and talk to me until I was done even though we had complications hearing each other over the beating droplets shooting down onto the tub floor from the showerhead. When I reached out after I was done for a towel and slid it through the crack provided for me by opening the shower door a little, I dried myself and concealed my lower body before stepping out.

 

She never changed. She was the same pale, brown –haired, coat wearing girl. Sometimes it agitated me that she wasn’t sure she could change anything about herself even though she subsisted entirely from my imagination.

 

“It’s California. Why are you wearing a coat?”

 

“I get goosebumps when I see you naked.”

 

“Hm. Good reason, I guess.”

 

“Even as a delusion I get aroused, don’t worry. Your sex drive is definitely intact.”

 

We walked together to the bus and as school idly went by after our arrival for four hours, we settled at our usual table for lunch. People rarely ever went near me. I knew a few people, but they made sure to use their off-campus lunch to avoid sitting with me as much as possible. If people ever spoke to me at all, it’d be something concerning who I was talking to because to them it looks like I’m talking to no one. I knew most avoided me because they were simply afraid of me.

 

Bella caught me mid-bite into my red apple, staring at my crush.

 

“Fine choice, but maybe you should stick to delusional sex. I’m hotter.” I started giggling and received some weird looks.

 

            “Do you think she’d ever like me?”

           

“Well, I’d say you have to be a nearly perfect guy to be with her. You’re already ahead of most. I just think you’ll end up hurting her.”

 

            “Why?’

 

“You’re too easy to fall in love with.” She blushed. Finally another color on her face. “It’s not good to hurt people, Case.” She gave a reluctant sigh. “I wish I could materialize.”

 

“Well, you do have someone who looks exactly like you. She’d never know me though.”

 

“Just stay away from her. It’s like a gift and a curse. It’ll be over before you can say, ‘Casey, the mop!’”

 

“What?” I said, confused.

 

Bella looked at me weirdly, opening her mouth to speak again. “I said, ‘Casey! The mop!’”

 

I woke up. It was a dream.