How did we get here? I used to know you so well. How did we get here? Well, I think I know.

Well, we "sold" the house. Finally. If all goes as planned and the sky doesn't fall like Chicken Little says it will, then we should be helping my mom move on November 13th. Everything should be done by the 26th or seriously, I'm going to be pissed at my father. We don't need to stay in Alamogordo just because my mom is there. We're taking her with us. I'm pretty sure he doesn't miss the quiet life. It's peaceful but eerie. You'd think that New Mexico would be a shitty place to live, but the scenery is good. At least near the city. It rains. It snows. I enjoyed the weather. So it wasn't much like living in a desert at all and compared to the city we live in now, there were a lot more things to do. However, we live in California and there a bazillion things to do, if you have money to spend and to use on your gas guzzler. We don't. With this house sold though, we'll finally have income. I mean, things we can buy. We haven't bought anything for ourselves in a long time. I mean, I took money I got from my grandmother that was supposed to go towards a car (which she sold my parents short when she said she'd give me double the amount and it's kinda funny because the other kids are receiving all kinds of money from her. Like three times as much.) and spent it on a webcam and the gas it cost to get us to the store since my dad didn't have any money. Now, originally I had $574 and that is seriously not enough to get a car that won't be shit on you so that you wind up spending way more than you paid for just to fill it up. But my parents if everything goes through should be getting me a car and that should open a few good things for me. The last thing me and my therapist were discussing I remember was that I was poor and that the absence of a car really hindered and made my life complicated. I couldn't afford to go to even community college. Much less buy a bag of chips at a store without using my savings. And I tried getting a job, which didn't work out. I actually had to end the therapy sessions and the more testing she wanted because we couldn't afford to have it done. Even if insurance covered the treatment, we couldn't even make the car trip. My dad needed the gas to get to work. Sad, huh? See the original plan was that I was supposed to get into college because school was all I had, really. I don't have any friends. I don't have work. I don't have things I go out and do, clubs or organizations I've joined, festivals to attend, blah blah. This place doesn't offer much. It's just - here's your own existence, do what you will with it.

Anyway, onto the wife. Things have been pretty shaky, but it's not really any cause for an alarm. Things have a way of going back to being okay. The biggest problem that presents itself and that is eating us both up is that we're not together. It's causing a lot of frustration and that's all I'm going to say. It's very depressing, but I'm not depressed right now. Just a little down but overall okay, just tired and feel like I'm coasting along. I've been thinking a lot. Meh.

I can't win a losing fight all the time.

I’m alone right now, so I figure I’ll pass the time by updating my blog again. I don’t want to keep you non-existent viewers from reading it, now do I? My wife’s been sick and she’s dealing with her period this week, so I’m trying to show some patience. It’s been a difficult last few days. I told her about everything that was on my mind and it didn’t get better until a few days after. How much I told her didn't illustrate how bad I felt, maybe a fraction of how terrible I feel when I’m without her. It just hurts.

She says she feels the same and she can handle it better, but I’m feeling this loneliness so strongly I wonder if she does understand how incredibly bad it is for me when she’s out of sight. I’ve been really lonely and she really doesn’t know what to do about it. She can’t do anything about it, which sucks and I keep telling her that I’ll “deal”. I’m telling her that because I don’t want her to get depressed over it and I’m just trying to store the pain somewhere else. I don’t know where and I’m not pretending like it’s not there, but I’m just trying to be good for her as much as I can despite the pain of being without her. And hearing her reference that it’s going to be a long time before we can be together just makes me dwell on what’s to come. More loneliness that I have to put up with. I’m trying not to feel the pain. I’m trying the hardest in my life to stretch my good spirit instead of just depressing her more, making her sick to her stomach when I come up with these things that make her sad. I don’t want to make her sad. These last few days with her have been fucking terrible. She was really shitty but so was I. Well, feeling shitty. She doesn’t help at all when she’s being sarcastic and pretends when I try to help myself out and her. And then she goes cold like I know will happen and I never want that.

It hurts really badly and she’s hurting because I am, so I want to be better so she won’t feel like total crap as well. What solution is there to solve this loneliness? Is there any? I don’t know. There’s one, but it’s very far off, I suppose. But I haven’t thought of any and I’m sure she hasn’t conjured any as well to stave off this loneliness. So it appears right now that there’s nothing we can do about it and that I’m just going to have to put up with it. She says I shouldn’t have to. And I don’t say anything to that when she says that. It’s because she’s right, but I have to. It’s the only way to deal with it and it hurts so badly. I’ve cried a lot. I feel powerless and weak when I can’t be with her, but I just have to accept it and move on with my life that there’s nothing she can do about it. And just continue to die a little so I can live a little too when I get to be with her. It’s like a give and take.

When I’m just by myself I feel my life is being drained. That I’m not ever going to be happy again. And she sees the residue when we’re together again. Sometimes it takes hours. Sometimes it takes days to go away. But it’ll go away for some time. It’ll always be there like a wound that never heals until we can finally be together in person. I’m glad she hasn’t really asked about my sleep. It’s been terrible. The nightmares are intense. This morning I had one where I was in the sky and she told me she had things to do, and turned her back on me and kept walking. And I don’t know how we were standing in the sky, but there was like an invisible floor until she did that. And I felt so terrible, I fell. I kept falling. Going faster, faster, and faster until I accepted that things had to be like this. That I couldn’t change them for now. No matter how much I try to save myself, it has to be her that saves me. And like I said in my last entry…may not be today…may not be tomorrow…six months from now…but someday.

How can I decide what's right when you're clouding up my mind?

Can't you see my heart is heavy?

Alright, I think I must've backspaced the beginning of this blog a hundred times at least by now. I guess the time between blog entries represents the laziness carried in my fingertips by not having anything published here for several days. I just really don't know what to say anymore that has to be said or that I feel should be shared. Everything has been focused on keeping things within myself and telling Lauren what I'm thinking about too that I feel no one other than ourselves deserve to know. But I'll reveal a few things that definitely aren't attached to inherent obligations to maintain confidences with another.

Last night I had a few beers and headed back to my room to talk with Lauren. Incase you don't have a clue who that is, she's my wife pretty much. She was in bed and had to wake up around six, so I was going to stay up and wish her off. I didn't want to say goodbye. I didn't. I just told her I love her before she left. I tried to stay awake, honestly. It's usually not a hassle because I can't ever sleep good or much anyway. I hum her one of our songs when we go to bed so she can sleep. She says it helps, so I do it. Well, when I got up out of bed and looked for something, she woke up. I felt like an idiot for being so loud in the room because she was sleeping.

I was pretty frustrated last night, too. I was tired too and didn't want to deal with it, so I told Lauren I could handle it myself since she didn't need to be awake for me. She had six hours until she had to work and she gave up pretty easily. She was tired; I didn't mind. Lauren told me before falling asleep again to tell her the nice things. I tried. I'd go from mostly nice to terrible things. Not terrible about us particularly but about myself. She wasn't awake to witness my total breakdown. I dealt everything I had to say last night. She never heard a peep of it. And I felt so terrible, I passed out and woke up right when she had to go to work. And then she left for work, I stayed in bed, and we haven't talked since.

I've still been pretty crappy. I like hearing from her at work, but I guess she's really swamped with the customers since there's some festival going on and hasn't had a single moment of time to herself at all to message me. But yeah, I'm trying so hard to keep control and to keep being happy. I've been trying so hard to remain in control. And if I don't, I make her unhappy and that makes me feel ten times worse when she goes cold on me and doesn't try to help me anymore. I can't stand it when she does that, so I'm doing my best to avoid being unhappy. It's really hard because I don't know where it all stems from. I don't want to be sad all the time and I guess when I know I won't be able to speak to her for a while it' s insanely depressing being alone. I just want her to stay with me. Right now I have her, but I really don't. I wish she could read my mind. I wish she could lay here and stay with me for a while. Perhaps forever, if she wanted to hold onto me for that long. But being with her seems so far away and out of reach right now. I just want everything I hope for to come true and sadly it's not today or tomorrow...but someday. *sigh*

Oh. It's also my dog's birthday today. She's 7 now. I miss my dog. I miss Lauren. The only good thing about today is that there's a huge cloud over the sky, just like there is over me...I feel the lonelinest I've ever felt in my life. And I'll revisit the feeling sometime soon, I guess. *sigh*

Work in progress

Dear Lauren,

You're most likely asleep. I[think you must be tired since you said you weren't going to answer my messages and your unconscious body is keeping itself unconscious, so yeah.] think you fell asleep pretty quickly since you said you were tired enough not to answer my messages. I'm not and I've tried, but you know how my body works when it comes to it. It says no. Yours always says yes. I'm sure being an insomniac has its advantages as we've[pointed out] discussed them, but I really[omit?] wish I wasn't so restless. When I didn't know you it wasn't about girls[I didn't have a specific reason] really. It was usually something about the world and what was wrong in it. Like[omit first] someone being wrong on the Internet.[combine sentence?] That kept me up at night. I couldn't sleep because I knew someone was being an idiot out there. Not really. Okay, that's half true.

It's refreshing to know that I've got someone on my mind as much as I'm on theirs. All I do all day is think about you and realize when I lay down for rest that I did nothing else. Sad somewhat, but I figure my time is well spent. I mean, how could thinking about you be so bad? Falling in love wasn't the hard part and remaining in love isn't either but being away from you is killer[is absolutely unbearable]. I mean, look. The distance between us puts ourselves in a disturbing box of emotions where we can't help but feel sad about what fills in the hundreds of miles between us. It's a bunch of roads, signs, trees, buildings, people, and then our houses.

Update, hoesss.

Picture: Image Metrics. The Emily Project.





I can honestly say that I'm a dumb ass sometimes, but it isn't entirely my fault. I wonder what the probability of having a faulty soda can is? We have Pepsi in the fridge and I brought one out, popped the can, but the thing bent all the way forward only to do nothing. Here comes the idiot part: I stabbed the top of where the thing usually opens with a knife and the soda squirted into my eye like a geyser. I was not amused.


I'm not doing much of anything right now. I was sleeping because my girlfriend needs her sleep, so I went to bed with her. I'm awake now, watching Enemy At The Gates. I dearly love this movie. Jude Law at his best and I never really looked into any other side of the war's story apart from Nazi Germany, Britain, and the U.S.A. Everything seems so much more interesting when you hear about the Russians being the opposition your entire life and see that they were just like any other nation fighting "gloriously" for their country. I say it sucked ass to be in the infantry if you were at heart a coward. I'd say most people headed to their death knowingly in a charge. As for me, I probably would've stayed back a little since the ones up front always get gunned down first. Duh. I'd rather be an effective sharp shooter from a distance than a man with a rifle ten feet away from a tank, hundreds of rifles, and a turret. What point is there having a rifle then? Yeah, you can really put up much of a fight. It's not trench warfare like in World War I. Those types of charges are stupid as hell. It reminds me of Pickett's charge at Gettysburg. I guess they didn't really learn about other wars, though. Complete dumbassery. I don't think I'd ever make a good foot soldier. I'd either do good as a sniper or someone who works at headquarters. I'm not saying I don't have the capability to lead, but I'm not using predated tactics of guts and glory to attack. That's like running across no man's land and expecting to bring about a win when the enemy is entrenched in the treeline waiting for that kind of boneheaded decision to mobilize. I think I could be a solid tactician who offers a more concrete alternative strategy in place of the idiocy of a full-on charge. Sometimes the charges have worked. Today though? I don't think anyone would charge three men with a hammer who have their rifles pointed at you. I only saw that work in The Patriot. And that was a movie.







The Republican National Convention was on. I thought McCain's speech sucked. Palin's speech in comparison trounces the shit out of his, pushing him beneath her after the sharp witticisms and rhetoric Scully wrote for the Alaskan senator to use against Obama. What are my political views? I'm a Republican. I strongly disagree with our political system, though. However, McCain said a few things I agreed with. We should not be divided with separate interests but stand as one. I think we need to deal with compromise. You know what annoys me most? It's these kiss ass teenage Democrats who can't even vote yet! I realize how ashamed I was to have been one of them; to stand behind John Kerry at the time I was a freshman. I wanted change because I strongly opposed George Bush. Did I flock over to the other party because of George Bush's win? No, I wasn't aware of what each party stood for, but I simply agreed with John Kerry because he seemed like a fresh ticket outside of the war in Iraq and letting the country resume pre-Iraq invasion events. So I sang along with Green Day and clung to my convictions that Republicans were bad until I really saw what each party was after careful analysis. Democrats disgust me with their supporters. They're bunch of Grade-A pussies, with an oversensitivity to environment issues, health care (I can't begin to tell you how much fraud for singular benefit is committed in this that just wastes time, money, and resources to hinder the real people with qualifications to receive it and though you believe this should be free, how many people should receive it? You expect to make a large assumption that it's going to come at a lesser cost or virtually free when the country is supporting over 300 million?), sexual preference, feminism, and race. What the fuck is there to benefit from being a feminist when you've got pretty much equal rights now? Oh-my-God. Lawlzorz. I dun't want ze baby, lololol. I want to kill it, lololol. Why? lololol. Cuz it's my right to not have it when I get knocked up at some drunken orgy party or bcuz I simply am retarded since I lack the intelligence to use birth control, lololol. Honestly, if you idiot females can't use contraceptives or other forms of sexual non-pregnant assurances, you're fucking stupid. WHY THE FUCK EVEN BOTHER WITH AN ABORTION? THE ONLY CASE WHERE IT ISN'T YOUR OWN DAMN FAULT IS IN THE CASE OF RAPE. But good job, keep up your picket signs and thesaurus-raped bitchy essays, thick-framed glasses, and a bunch of warped ass views where you think you, the person who got fucked and didn't use birth control, believe that you are entitled to the expulsion via a birth canal of your unborn baby.

Their ideology does not repulse me, but I wonder if their supporters ever studied history enough to realize that a majority of democrats owned cotton plantations yet right now are they making amends for that by having elected a half-black candidate to cover up for the hundreds of years of enslavement? Hm. Not bashing the South or anything, I love the South, but I'm wondering if they've been aware of both parties faults instead of blaming George for every little problem that falls into their lap. I wonder if they've turned a deaf ear to reasoning on the other side and to narrow-minded, spell swept speech from Obama about change. Isn't every damn election about showing what you can change? Honestly, it's nothing new to do a little dance over for feeling ever-so-smart. Both parties have done terrible things. And you know what? I hate American politics. They make empty promises to get elected and then when the American public sees that nothing is getting accomplished, they complain, swing voters support the side they were against, and try their luck again. Also, how come people can't have any decency? Protesting does NOTHING. If you like methods that worked for an old generation of heroin and hatred for war, be my guest and go on an acid trip you fucking halfwits. Make an appeal to get a hearing, not sit on stone steps like you're going to directly benefit from it by making attempts to have them pay attention. Where do they pay attention? IN THE COURT. Not outside, Lisa Simpson.





I support evolution. Why? Look what evolution brought us today:





















LAWL!

Lori Earley paints beautifully.